Newest movies

So my newest wrestling movies are much more exciting, but i lost the finals and the collegiate match (against the same guy). I'll put them up later when i have a free moment, which is never, so i guess i'll never put them up, and i'll probably post something else about how i need to get on that.

want twisted? try meat products

this is a fun site, there's some weird things going on in the head, but it's really entertaining.

http://www.r-a-n-d-o-m.com/

Poly Prep

So this was our match today, and I'm actually in a great mood, here's me pinning a kid in 30 seconds (even).

GOT IT!

so i figured out how to clip a movie, and now here is my first match of the season! mad fun, I'm the shorter and wider one, he's the huge albino black guy!

several moments in time

1) i'm addicted to another comic strip, it's called questionable content, and it's so good, and there are tons of them so i have no worries about running out for the near future.
2) we are kicking ASS at wrestling, i got home today after an awesome meet against poly, and i'm psyched for friday when we take on collegiate. I'm editing a film of our first meet against NYI (i wrestled the iceberg) so that it's only my match that i'll put up, and when the poly match comes (we wrestled tem today, NYI yesterday) i'll put that one up to.
3) sometimes, just for a grey crisp cold moment, life is good.

there should be a class

why not? they have chemistry classes?
http://www.eatliver.com/i.php?n=3723

wow

this actually made me grin, and enjoy life, despite the massive amount of work left to get done tonight.


http://www.88by31.com/flashman/thepeoplesmario.swf

go mario.

101

that last post was teh hundredth and i din't even notice, all hail the queen.

while you were gone

So this is a strange thing, but it's a non-blog blog post. it was not written on the internet, but i'll put it up as soon as i can. it seems a little weird to be writing to my blog, but i'm not online doing a millino thinks, usually it's just when i'm alone w/ a notebook that i write like this, so maybe you'll be able to see a difference but i doubt it. I tend to feel alone a lot, even when people are nearby and i'm writing on an open medium. This break has been good so far, but i need to start working today, as it's officially turkey day (yay! food!) and it's a little sad, but i'm actually not going to write right now, i'll finish this later, but i need to go run 5 miles :P that's how i'm planning on staying in shape over break.

So here it is much later, about 1:20 right now, prolly be signifigantly later when i'm done. My run was fun, i did a pretty intense run, but i really enjoyed it, i read somewhere that excersice is te greatest happiness inducer when you aren't happy, i would definately agree with that, whenever i feel down it's either smashing someone's face, sitting in a corner listening to angry music, or working out till i can't move. it has both a physical exhaustion and anger induced strength workout, but also it drains your mind of everything that you are being bothered by. You no longer worry about anything going on, you just lift, or run, listening to music that induces its own emotions in you. I make it a rule never to listen to sad or peaceful music when i'm angry though, because it always screws me up, i become both angry and sad or something, which is usually an even worse combination that a depressed military man. I made a pretty hot beat, which i have yet to name, i'll try to get it put up somewhere so ppl can hear it eventually. Being up here really brings out my creative side, writing, thinking, spitting, spinning, allt hat stuff. I wish i could have built a forge this summer, but dad was always too busy, and as he was always busy i made myself busy too, so that i wouldn't just be an idle hand waiting for him to finish his work, i helped him finish, but there was always more before we could get steel for the forge, before we could draft up a model, which i did anyway because i knew it was up to me to drive it through, but there was no way for me to get steel without him. So there is no forge up here for me, it would be so perfect to be able to smith every weekend i come up, i would make so much...but it's not to be. I am rambling, probably because i'm getting tired, i've been going to bed earlier on weekends than im used to, and the strain of the recent weeks has really been getting to me. Tomorrow is a big day, most of all because i have a little bit of work to catch up in, finally things have started to overrun me, and i cannot allow that, so this next few days are gonna be workheavy in order to get me back on top of everything. I miss all my friends when i'm up here, but it's balanced out by how beautiful and amazing i find everything when i'm up here, yes even myself sometimes. Honestly, the idea of bringing one of my really close friends up here excites and frightens me, i would love to have someone love this place the way i do, and be up here with me so i could share everything with them, but i would hate if they did not love it, or if they were not crazy about it, or any number of things. There's one person i showed it to, but i knew her better than i know myself, and it was one of my best weekends. I wish she would come back so i could see her again, but for now i know she's gone. This day has been a great one. It started off well with a late sleep and the beginning of a good book, then i went running, came home, had a haircut (yes it's now crazy short) and then took a shower and ate fat burgers, one of my favorite things to do up here is to grill, yeah boi it's tha shit. Then more reading, and then dinner, which was AMAZING; Fresh turkey, cranberries, mashed potatoes, squash, sweet potatoes, brussel sprouts, homemade cider, a good wine, there is very little more i could have asked..but then we had pie...So that alone made it an incredible day. Yes i place that much importance on food, it's the only thing that remains the same through everythnig i've ever known. So i'm thankful for that, thankful that i don't go hungry often, and that i usually have enough food to give some away. That i have a strong (and not ugly) body to work and save money for food if i become hungry. I'm thankful that i can take care of my friends and myself, and that i have a future in front of me that excites me more than most beautiful women. I'm thankful that people find me fun and entertaining, sexy and big. I cannot help the things that i can't change or fix, but i can definately try, I'm thankful that so much of my life has really been ok at least, even if it hasn't been the happiest or best life. And as i approach my age of enlightenment (18), I'm thankful that i had the opportunity to be a child, really be a child, for so long. I was never forced to grow up fast, or do anything i didn't understand then or look up later in order to understand. I'm thankful that my whole family is still alive, and that i have enough money for shoes and fitteds like i love. On that thankful note, and finally a happy one, i'm going to sign off, at least for tonight, and probably write more tomorrow, because i can finally let go of my self-hate a little bit. Thanks to the food that gave me release, in more than one way.
Thanks.

So i didn't write anything for friday, and now it's getting on towards saturday night, and saturday night means that i'm going to have to do some serious work or something, so i think this might be the only chance i get to write. I'm in the car, and it's a little hard to write, but it's the best place to think of course. Absolutely no distractions, i can just concentrate on a completely black screen and a text edit page. There is also something immensely soothing about watching my thoughts come out of my fingers. I wish that i had no work to do anymore, but i have so much it's not even funny. So these next few days (i'm not pretending that i'll manage to get it done tonight and tomorrow) are gonna be horrible ones... But i'll make do, like always, and get everything done. Then report day! I"m actually excited for this report day, and this marking period, because i want to get my grades and shove them in everyone's face, just say suck my nuts, college advisors, parents, teachers, all the one's who keep telling me not to be too confident, despite all teh grades flooding home that are all As, despite being able to pull a good paper out of my ass, despite getting reasonably good grades the past few years, i still get hated on, people still don't believe that i can do it. It's one of the most frustrating things i have ever dealt with. I can't wait to tell my dad to back the fuck off, that obviously i am getting all of the work done, and that there is no need for him to constantly be on my case anymore. That is gonna be one of the most satisfying things i've ever done. Then again next week is gonna be crazy heavy as wrestling season starts for real. We've got a meet tuesday, wednesday, friday, and a tournament on saturday. So it's the shit for real. I'm so psyched, I'm still losing weight, hopefully if i stay straight i'll be down to like 75 by this weekend, then it'll get really hard, cause i'm gonna be hungry after wrestling hard matches, but i can't eat a ton. Never taken no pills or nothing, and i don't plan on it either, if i can't do it through pure will power, than there is no reason that i should do it...

I have a perverse desire to get in trouble... I want to feel that anxiety about something, but i've gotten into shit so often that i no longer even get anxious about getting into trouble anymore.. which is kinda sad and refreshing at the same time. I'm supposed to be working and i am, i'm supposed to be obeying the law, and i am most of the time, i'm supposed to pay attention to my teachers and my parents, and i am for the most part. So there isn't much that i'm crossing the line about except my own limits, and i've always pushed them further than anyone can believe possible. It's just fun to say, ok so i can stay awake for this long on no sleep, and than MAKE myself stay up for another 10 hours, then another, then another, until i can't do it anymore. I don't think anyone really knows how much i tend to do that with my own problems, or gifts, or whatever you want to call things that i can force myself to do. LIke losing 10 pounds in a week, and still eating (i like food too much for me to starve myself completely). So now i'm stuck on this feeling like i wish i could push the boundaries a little further w/ life, just push my living past where i shouldn't b living, and then see how long i can hold myself there, or how far i can stretch life.

workin'

So i'm gonna write somethings this week/weekend, but it's tanksgiving, so i have to be eating turkey and don't have internet that's worth anything up there. But instead i have a wonderful beautiful place, and maybe i can relax a little, despite the amount of work i have to do, it'll be great i hope.

Love

I fell in love today, she positively stole my heart, and ran away, tantalizingly present, but at the same time she dances just beyond the reach of my fingertips. It's so painful it hurts, but i know that i'll win her over eventually. No one can stay so far away from me for so long. It's impossible, i've gotta figure out how to make my self the best i can for her, and do everything i can do to get her to love me too, to stop teasing and running away from me.

here she is, the most beautiful girl in teh world:
http://www.knifecenter.com/kc_new/store_detail.html?s=SWEDNL2EL

i need a hit

i need a break from everything, maybe this thanksgiving break will be that, but i think it'll be a lot of work too, also i need to get there before i actually can relax, but i'm starting to collapse because of the sleeping pills, so i'm gonna head for bed. I just want things to be easy again.

vids

I want to try putting some videos up online, so i might use this blog as a springboard, eventually i might even start a vlog, here or on youtube, we'll see. Hopefully more people besides just the couple of friends who know me read this, but probably not.

musik

So i deleted the music icon on my blog, because i got really annoyed that it would constantly play lollipop, and yet never play any of the other songs...So i took it off. And i haven't missed it since (it's been 3 minutes). I hope that i'll finally be able to sleep tonight, i took like 8 sleeping pills, and maybe that'll make me sleep through the night, but i actually kinda doubt it. I forgot to do some of my homework, so tomorrow is gonna suck, and i feel sick cause i ate a couple cookies, and i haven't been eating anything sugary really in the past few weeks. Dieting is hard, but sticking to it is the hardest, i love eating so fucking much, i realize that now, when i can't eat whatever i want, and have to eat similar things every day. It's almost painful. It's turning lunch and dinner into a chore, not the best part of my days anymore, i've started considering what would happen if i just stopped eating, but i always through that out, for several reasons, the first being that i need the energy to wrestle, and i can't let myself or my team down. The second being that whenever i get really hungry, or i don't want another salad, i put on some music, and it makes my life ok.

been a minute

It's been a pretty strange weekend. I've been going through a little bit of shit. Another of my friends admitted that she likes me, bringing the tally up to 6? something like that. It's really crazy, seemingly as soon as i get close to someone they fall for me. It makes life a lot more complicated than it has to, and now i feel as if i'm dancing on shards of glass, ironically trying not to crush the glass with the weight of my body. Just another not on the weight thing, I'm actually going to be losing weight anyway, and then start bulking up, because i'm not strong enough for my own satisfaction. I've been spending too much of my time thinking about my own problems and not doing anything about them. Trying not to think too much anymore, just go through the day, doing my work, keeping on my feet, and doing the best i can. I feel like this blog has recently become a center for self-pity and disgusting self-centeredness. But i don't really have a problem with the blog being that, i have a problem with me being that way, so i'm going to try to work away from that. A good note is that i've been writting more and more as my life gets more complicated, probably because i have less time, and so i try to procrastinate from my work even more by doing useful things instead of just playing video games and such, although that is a major part of my escapism, recently i haven't really had the time to slip away from my life, and when you refuse to pay attention, things fall even quicker through your fingers, so I haven't been doing it as much. Re: comments, thanks for leaving them everybody. I really do enjoy hearing from you guys, no matter what, and i'm still gonna be eating salads ;)

weight

So what does weight really do? i never really figured it out. I have some concepts, ideas, that make me think about heaviness, and my own importance. But really i think it is so much more than that. what you weigh is a serious part of who you are, when you're more stressed you eat more etc. I made a really big decision today, I'm gonna wrestle in the 189 weight class, instead of trying for the 171. So i can eat as much as i want pretty much, but i think i'm going to try to drop anyway. Because i want to be lighter. I'll lose weight, and build up muscle and all that good stuff. I'm probably really heavy right now, like 180 or something, maybe even higher, and we've got our weight certification test today, so we'll see if i have enough fat on my to drop to the lighter weightclass, but i think i will keep wrestling in the heavier one, even once i drop below 171 pounds. My eventual goal is 165 or so...I want to at least hit it, because it's been a REALLY long time since i was under 170, and i'd like to be again. I don't actually know if that's a feasible thing, especially if i keep building up muscle, but i'll probably end up with a 6% body fat or so, which i would enjoy, probably weigh about 170. Hopefully i'll have enough fat on my today, so i can lose enough weight to get down to 171, but i don't know if i do. Right now i feel really fat, but i just ate a huge amount of food for lunch, i'll prolly skip dinner or something. all that healthy stuff. I just thought about the concept of weight, feeling fat or heavy, feeling light, everything. So that's my goal, maybe by putting it down here, it'll keep me in line a little better, so i don't have to always be watching myself, which gets really tiring.

traps?

I know it's bad when it's almost 11 and i can't keep my eyes open. But there's something to be said for typing with your eyes closed, it's kinda fun and inventive. But i think i might go to sleep soon, wake up tomorrow, see how my life looks then.

every day

it seems as if i cannot even go through a day without getting into a fight with my dad. This is ridiculous. we reach some resolution, and then everything we talked or argued about, gets argued or talked about the next day. It makes working really hard, and getting up the next morning on no sleep to go to school even harder. I keep telling myself that all i need to do is make it through till first quarter grades come in, and then i'll just shove them in his face, and he'll finally stop bothering me, if he believes i'm actually working. But i have this horrible suspicion that he won't care, and that there will always be things that i should have done, or that i was supposed to do, or that i should be working on right now instead of doing whatever i am doing. Today was even a pretty good day overall, but now i'm home, and it feels like i'm all alone, except i don't even get my own privacy, which is the best part of being alone. I can't really just think about things, because everytime i stop doing anything my dad asks why i'm not working. So i'm typing and he doesn't know any better. I'm so excited for when i leave this house. and i doubt if i'm going to be coming back anytime soon. My brother is probably going to be living at home once he's out of college, but i would much rather move somewhere and get a menial job until i can find out what i'm going to be doing, that would be so much easier for me than to come back her and try to find one. At least i've been writing a lot, even if it has been bad for the most part. Hopefullly it'll continue. I'll probably post something later, maybe even make something up.

why?

why does it always end with anger and shouting? i'm so tired of my dad telling me what to do, and of him assuming i'll just do it and shut up. sometimes i feel myself slip so close to just snapping, like tonight when he says i'm up to late and he'll take away my computer for a week if i don't get off, all because he doesn't think i'm listening to him, even though he interrupted me to shout at me. I just hope that i don't snap, because it'll end up with him laid out, i don't sit well with stupid critisism, and i don't take it from anyone except him.

jingle

if you could be a jingle, what would it make people feel? would you want people to understand and give money? or would you want them to be happy and willing to buy your product? what would you want it to be. Oddly enough i would want it to create fear, so that they would not come into my store to buy things, and wouldn't bother me.

apple fail?

an apple a day keeps the doctor away
this little kid failed so hard:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1081596/Boy-2-chokes-death-apple-watching-television-tragic-accident.html

yes it is sad, if you laughed you're going to hell, even though everyone laughed a little inside.

Traps

Traps can be any shape or size, age or color. But they're still traps. don't worry about them when you can't avoid them, because sometimes traps are a lot of fun.

not another teen wedding

sometimes i feel like one of those horrible movie series' that never end and keep having to come up with really stupid cheezy new titles for all of their stupid shit movies they keep coming out with. but i guess i'm not cause i can't make a few million in one night. There's a your mom joke there for the taking, if anyone gives a shmuck. I wish that i could sleep more, but everytime i close my eyes i think of something twisted and horrible, usually only horrible because of my role in it, like wanting to find the person/people who broke into my house and slowly twist every one of their fingers off, simply because they screwed up my room and took a couple thousand dollers worth of old computers. Is that really wrong, or just kinda wrong. Can it fall under the blanket of revenge, and getting back at someone who has made my home no longer feel like my home, or is it just me being a sadistic fuck. I can't even tell anymore which side of me is which, they both just blend together until i'm afraid that if something big happens i'll lose more than i bargained for, I.E. ipod. But what does it really matter? i've often asked myself, if one of my friends needed something from me, beyond anything they've ever needed, and i had to sacrifice my own freedom to give it to them, would i do it? Even I'm not so pigheaded to say yes in my head, although i wished that i would, because that would make me more of the man that i wish i was when i'm drunk enough to not worry about who i am. It's bad that i wish i was that drunk in the middle of the day, dealing with a teacher who never sees me for how hard i work, and only sees me for what clothes i wear. I wish that life was so easy that the women i'm attracted to knew it, and the ones who i am in love with but don't know it yet could show up when i need them most, and I could fight the people who make problems for me, until everything is just a simple dilemma of which guy to beat up, or which girl to fuck tonight, and always knowing that my wife loves me at home, and will always be waiting with a hot dinner and a warm pie afterwards, to share with a son or two, a few daughters, my brother and a couple nephews and neices. living up in the cold windy trees, where the only problems that find me are the ones who can hike. That would be perfect.

homecoming

this weekend was relaxing until sunday. Couple small dents in my beautiful cold grey windy days. My mom called and all she cared about was my work, but that's ok, i've gotten used to that. Then i get to come home and find that the house got broken into, my dad's pretty pissed, but i really couldn't give a fuck. whoever it was took a couple really old computers, so it's not like we lost anything of value, i'm pissed off that i wasn't home, i wish i had been. They tore up my room a bit, dumping all my clothes onto my floor, but i realized that i really don't have very much of value aside from my computer, which was with me, and my ipod, which is never leaving my sight again. Police showed up and milled around, completely useless. Now i'm going to be up all night working cause they were here mad long talking and calling people. I'm just pissed off. It was a nice weekend though, so beautiful upstate it hurt, both being there and leaving. It's odd to say that it was painful to be there. but it's my favorite kind of weather, cold and windy, grey and beautiful. I wish that i was like that, but i guess i'm just a self-centered cynic and emotional recluse. That kind of weather that makes you sad, and makes you glad you have someone to curl up with, or sorry that you don't, sory that you don't let people deep enough into your life, or they end up getting hurt. I'm sorry that i can't stand it enought to let people get hurt because of me, but i can't, not if i care enough about them to let them really know me. So it's a viscious cycle, and there's no real way to avoid it. I'm going to start writing more here, it's soothing.

I found it. :)

yesterday was an eternity ago

so yesterday i lost my ipod. i did not have a chance to put my music back on my computer since it crashed. I no longer have any music. Not in the sense that i do not like music anymore, but i don't have MY music. I'm completely empty. a hard shell. My music was me, it changed, grew, shrunk, was violent, or sad, always with more than what was apparent. everything inside of me that could be described.

he won

i can't believe it. I'm so happy. he won. really. we have the right president for the first time in so long. America rules.

elections

obama.....he could win...more posts later..i hope so much >.<
so much...

and

Sometimes you just want to go crazy and pull all your little short hairs out and never think about the cold wind on your naked skin as you dance and cry and laugh and sing about death and life and the absence of both and being without a girl who makes you smile, to make you smile, to see you smile, to hold and to have, through sickness and through health and pain and happiness and to fight over and to reject and to scoff and to stare at and to write poetry about and for and to and from and so no one but she and he and both and everyone and sometimes no one but you and her and them and those ones and everyone else can see what you don't want to know about and you can't seem to hold your head up and smile at everyone who doesn't matter and simply say hello and wave and watch as my own standards seep all over my seething and sickening skin and i scream with the pain of pressure and crack from the strain of being me.

more awesome stuff from a fellow blog-addict

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/funny_pages_20/2008/10/dark-knight-toy.html

yes it's real >.<

amazing

constantly this world amazes me. Listen to this girl sing... she was 19 when she recorded it...
its kinda like amy winehouse and imogen heap, that kinda musik.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=95336919

illin'

I find comfort in shopping, and wishing for things i cannot have. It provides a stable desire/refuted wishes spectrum in my life where everything else shifts. i want this hat.

pressure

i wonder how much pressure it takes to crack a skull. Or how much it takes to shatter a kneecap. Or how much until i give up.

wondering is a wonderful thing, pretty strange concept when you consider the root of the word though. Wonder; verb- to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel. It is a strange world when you can wonder at wonderous things, and also at horrible things, and painful things. I wonder what people will think of our language when it's long gone.

tired

I'm tired.
physically, mentally,
just tired of working,
never being good enough,
letting things slip through the cracks,
stupid little mistakes that my eyes can't focus on,
red pens and -.5s
not knowing where to go,
writing constantly, every spare minute i have, but none of it is my writing.
I'm tired.
not having the right hats,
not thinking about what i say,
parents not listening no matter what i say,
my computer not working when i need it,
not having time to read,
losing weight slowly,
being alone.
I'm tired.

seasons

It's a HOT time for that musak, new albums poppin' off all over the place, making me psyched for shit coming out, just thought i should drop a note, make sure no one's missing out on everything going down.
new big noyd album, new D-block album, new ace hood, new coolio, and a new E-noble. I'm set.

In other news, i failed another driving test, cause i didnt' use my signal a couple times when i was pulling away from the curb...even though i didn't actually change lanes but drove straight, it qualified as a "pull out" which means i needed a signal. So i was upset about it, but now i just don't give a fuck. It's just aggravating, but the real thing that gets to me, is the fact that it's indicitive of stupid shit that keeps getting in my way, and how i always make stupid mistakes that screw me over in all the different facets of life. I think i've been a little too relaxed with myself, and so i've slipped a couple times when i really shouldn't. That's what's been going through me recently. Oh yeah i found a piece i wrote in vietnam that i read to a group, i'll type it up sometime when i have a minute, cause i figger i should type it up anyways. so incase there's anyone who actually reads this blog and enjoys knowing what's going on in someone else's head. I've got a couple actual pieces to put up that'll entertain you as the internets should. Thanks

Crazy world of life

My life is crazy, but good/bad. Recently everything has either been working out, or i've been dealing with it not working out. I've actually been on top of everything, managing everything. It seems like my final year will actually work out. I'm producing a record, and almost everything is looking up. The downsides are that i'm so busy i can't even think. I haven't had the time to really write anything in along time, but i'm planning on fixing that. I'm planning on posting more regularly, because once i get back into it i think that i'll really be able to let go again, and express myself completely, making life a little less stressful. My dad and i aren't really talking too much right now, but i'm ok with that, i'd rather not be talking than constantly be fighting at home, which seem to be the choices. I've learned a lot about how to exist on this world, and how to just set your mind to something and do it, with out hesitating or debating. And how to make yourself do or not do something against the stimuli of your desires. Those two things are helping me take control of my life again. It's a pretty wonderful feeling. There are some bad parts, of course, but in general i'm managing to ignore them, or accept them as a part of things. I still miss Mara, but i'm surviving, and emailing, and i will continue indefinately. My mind has been tired most of the time from lack of sleep, cause my days are just so full and busy, but I'm used to that. Been losing weight too, and in a few weeks i should drop back down to 170, and look fit as a flying monkey's face. So in general, i'm enjoying life, for once, and i recognize that it's my own effort that's making it work that way. I do want to work on not being as flirtatious, because i've gotten in trouble quite a few times so far because of it, and also work on being self-centered, stop worrying about myself so much more than everyone else around me (it makes sense that i do it to a certain extent). So those are pretty much my "resolutions" if you want to label them that, but really i just want to become a "better" person, and shape up who and what i want to be.

blank space

Is blank space that bad?

















can we be blamed if we see everything when there is nothing there
If we don't fill a page with words, do we keep our options open? or are we just procrastinating.









The best inspiration is my blank page, for i can stare at it for hours, and my mind will float away from my fingers, but as soon as i begin to write, that freedom shrinks and shreds, slipping from between the tips of the pads on the end of my last digits.











That makes it perfect.

i love this picture

so great...

clipped from blogs.photopreneur.com

long day

It's been a very long day. Two bad things happened, i lost my ring, which i really liked. I'm really sorry about it, but i was stupid and wore it into the ocean and when i bodysurfed in on a wave it fell off my finger into the water, now it's gone forever. Another thing is one of my earphones on my ipod headphone things is broken, so i can only listen through one ear. I needed new ones anyway, so i guess this is the perfect excuse isn't it? It has just been a long day, and there's no one to hold at the end of it, which makes me sad. I did see pineapple express, which was an amazing movie, and quite hilarious. Thats all.
-R

what it do

there's no point in wanting to do something, and not doing it, or desiring something, but not acting on it.

freedom

This is a very delayed response to my own question a few months/weeks ago *don’t really remember* But it’s about freedom. I guess it was around the 4th of july, so a month and a week ago about. I have a weird definition of freedom; it’s pretty simple, but mentally intensive in my opinion, but i could be wrong and it’s just a cop out, who knows! I think true freedom is being able just to be yourself. No matter the circumstances or the people around you. Truly knowing yourself, i don’t know if it’s possible or anything. Being comfortable in your own skin, that is true freedom, and what i hope the american ideal is based on. Accepting all peoples for who they are, and allowing them to be that.

resolutions

So I’ve got a few resolutions, i guess you could call them self-discipline resolutions, not really connected to anything except my desire to be a better person, it’s also half a shopping list, but i wanted to get it down, and maybe by putting it up here i’ll be more inclined to actually accomplish all of them (not just some)
1) Showering and brushing teeth and exercising every day, getting enough sleep (personal upkeep)
2) Keep my room cleanish (not sparkling but managable)
3) Do all my homework and schoolwork
4) White Ts (plain)
5) Suit
6) Dress shoes
7) Take pictures again (put them on the blog)
8) Finish/keep writing my story
9) College apps stuff

So far that’s everything that i can think of. If anyone has any other ideas shoot em out, there’s quite a possibility that there’s just something I’m missing and you think of it. So let me know! or if you have any other ideas that you want my input on go for it.

update

i added a few new blogs to my list of blogs that are awesome, so def peep them. Also I'm about to head out to Martha's Vineyard, and idk if i'll have any internets up there. so we'll have to see what goes down, i hope there is for many reasons.
In the intervening time that i haven't really been posting, i've been very very busy. I've started on a literary journey, which will end who knows where, maybe an imaginary god. It's no where near done, so i'll put that up in a little while, once i really have more than a few pages to show for my effort. Also i've started handwritting a lot, partially because i can really do it anywhere as long as i bring my book along with me, and don't have internet or anything. Well i guess my internet non-posting started about 2 maybe 3 weeks ago. I had been upstate; where i have a VERY slow connection, which is painful, but i managed. then i came back to the city, and met a wonderful person. She was visiting from Belgium, I'd met her before, her family and mine are good friends, but i'd never really met her. The other times i was a little too young and immature, distracted by everything else going on and a little intimidated by the fact she was older and a girl (gasp!) but this time we just clicked almost immediately. The first day we ended up going for a walk and just talking for a long time, and we probably would have kept talking until forever if we were allowed. The next two weeks after that were just amazing. I had found a new friend, and we were forced to spend every moment together. That may sound like a little bit of a drag, but instead i thought the exact opposite. She seemed to be perfectly designed to be with me, using almost as much sarcasm as i do, and making jokes that made mine seem stupid...But i didn't mind because i got to tease her right back, probably about all the weight she was putting on in the states (all of like 5 pounds! gasp!). I showed her all around the city and brooklyn, i even went on my first ever rollercoaster ride with her (on the cyclone of course, i am a brooklyn boi), she screamed of course, as i sat stoicly silent next to her like any man should :P. I really want to go on some crazy one. We went and saw Wall-E with Jessi (my friend not my brother obviously) And she fell in love with it the same way that I did, and we could really talk about it, take it seriously, and i could even admit that it was amazingly cute for a movie... Then we went upstate for the next while, my countryhouse. I love my countryhouse because i am able to just relax and just BE. I guess i've always been a little afraid of bringing anyone up there, because i don't want to pretend for anyone else while i'm there, or what if they don't love it as much as i do? there are a lot of things that go through my head. But it really opened my eyes because i didn't try to be anything but me around her, strange for someone i just met to see me so openly, but we had gotten pretty close by then. Also she fell in love with it too, and we spent time outside and inside, always together, going to town and all, eating my mom's amazing food of course. She came with us when we visited my paternal grandmother and aunt (and pseudo-uncle). It was great, we went wandering around together, and went for a bike ride; went to a good will (thrift store) and i got an amazing shirt and a crazy one, which she was disgusted with me for of course, i'll try to get a picture of it and post it when i have a chance. But whatever we did we always had a great time because I was there with her, no matter what, watching late night double features or w/e it was, even though we didn't share the same taste in everything, we were able to talk about everything. Then we went back to my countryhouse, where we spent another few days, unfortunately she got a little sick, fever sore throat, that kind of thing. So she stayed in bed and i ran around trying to get everythign i needed to do done. Then came my worst day in a long time. I went to take my driver's test to get my liscence; set it 5 weeks in advance for this day, and this time, and it would work perfectly, and i'd been looking forward to it for about 5 years, ever since my brother got his i've been excited to get my own, taking my learner's permit test, and wanting to take driver's ed and all of that. Me and my mom drove an hour and a little to the town where i was taking it. Than we realized that i had forgotten the little certificate that proved that i had taken the driving course, and as i'm under 18 i needed it to take the test. Because it's a beauracratic organization, there was no way to reschedule or do ANYTHING about it. So i couldn't even take the test, but failed it automatically. So much for me being smart. Then i got home and thought about myself, negatively of course, for a long while. The rest of the day i was seriously out of it, like when any other dream or hope comes crashing down. Not even being ABLE to take the test had really done a number on my psyche, i hadn't even failed it because i couldn't drive well, i knew i could drive well, I just didn't have a chance. I need to go now, but i'm going to finish later if i can. So long boyos!
-R

really cool pictures

I like some of these pictures, some are stupid, but it looks like an amateur photographer having a good time taking pictures, and i like that, reminds me of me!

http://www.reebok.com/US/#/product?modelId=30034734&articleId=R951657

haha, this is great

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:
Dear Penis:
After
assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You
do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay
in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You
leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't
always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, V. Gina

I love monkeys

clipped from adamrthegod.net

wrong

Is it wrong to feel like the world would be a better place without you?
not in a morbid and sadistic sense, like i want to kill myself, but in the sense that if you were erased from the world, birth, death, life, everything. If my parents only had one child, and if my ex-girlfriends hadn't ever dated or known me. This isn't a suicide note, there are completely different circumstances between killing someone or something that is already in the world or it never having existed. If i died now all of my friends would miss me, and i would leave a hole in their lives that i have made, but if i didn't exist ever, they would be just as happy. So what do i contribute to this world, beyond more self-pity and unhappiness? I think the answer is not much, so i try to make it better, and i fail every time.

WHATUP

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,
because, man, they're gone.
==========
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
==========
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a
hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
==========
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going
to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."

He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a
pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but
decided to go home instead.
==========
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
==========
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I
bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it
shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
==========
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a
beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful
painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
==========
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
==========
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
==========
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
==========
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
==========
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other.
==========
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with
some good ideas.
==========
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons
(maybe by shoving them down his throat).
==========
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call
them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what,
can't we all be brothers?
==========
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort
of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
==========
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because
I was thinking about doing that anyway.
==========
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.
And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real
quick and hand it to him.
==========
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and
"ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.
==========
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
==========
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I
guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
==========
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer,
I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
==========
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've
wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I
went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
==========
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a
bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
==========
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
==========
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in
my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but
it's just eggs hatching.
==========
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there,
in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
==========
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing
and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get
drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park
and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go
to sleep.
==========
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out
it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like
a regular window.
==========
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
==========
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like
I am now.
==========
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call
the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and
started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
==========
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and
whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger
toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had
bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled
off the paint.
==========
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know
anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any
extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and
take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy
garbage guy.
==========
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,
even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're
talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
==========
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet
it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading
a magazine.
==========
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think
it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to
teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting
the vulture.
==========
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
==========
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while
you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on
a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
==========
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run
with a wooden stake.
==========
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think
a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me,
it's not.
==========
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a
dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look
out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
==========
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over
here, looking through your stuff.
==========
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add
a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

PS
I'm working on a piece to put up, which is why i haven't posted in a while.

paying the price

Gazing at the sky so far,
focused on that one true star,
i cannot simply tear away,
before my beauty fades to day.

Once the horrid bright sun comes,
all feeling for my life numbs,
my ice walls slowly melt,
on my skin the sun is felt.

My eyes no longer hide the light,
from the deepest darkness night,
instead the tears slowly fall,
hopeless puddle 6 feet tall.

Hapless harmful creeping height,
without only the concept of right,
I cannot move this body's tears,
without disrupting locked up fears,

instead a fugitive inside,
no longer anywhere to hide,
when hateful rays of crayon gold,
reveal the seams from my mold.

My peace resumes its mantle,
disguising every half-glanced hate,
shrouding my darkened candle,
completing any crime of fate,

letting pleasure creep,
into a blackened shadow,
sinking infinitely deep,
releasing black truths flow

for my star.

This is one of my most favorites

clipped from xkcd.com

All credit goes to xkcd, i love their comics so much, for every reason.

P.S.

Having studied and loved physics, it's true, but the question is:
How much does it work? and is it worth it?

The answer;

Yes.

Run Spot Run

So it's one in the morning, or will be by the time i post this, I'm up at my countryhouse, knowing that i should be going to sleep soon (waking up early to go to the nearby "city"), and instead i'm staying up to write about anything that pops into my headpiece, and listening to highway to hell. So the first off, i love this place. I used to dread coming up here, part of me still does, because whenever i'm here, that means we have time off, and i'm not seeing my friends, or online (with a real internet connection), or any number of things that i love doing in the city. I have a couple friends up here, but i'm not here often enough to really cement anything, so it's just occasianal flings and parties and wild crazy midnight skinny dips, which by the way are really stupid when the water is freezing cause it's fresh mountain rivers up here...So I normally spend all my time up here doing just that, being up here. That in itself is a blessing, I get to relax all the tension and everything that i store inside of me when i'm here. Even with my parents here, i feel like i'm more me than any other place or time. There is always something i'm doing for someone else, no matter who or what it is, except here. Here i work for my dad, i shower when i have to, and i just exist. It's a simple life, eating amazing food, sleeping, working, and hanging out with no one but myself, and sometimes a movie or sommat w/ the rents. I try to keep in touch with everyone as much as possible via phone, and now internets, but usually i end up sortof dropping off the radar. One thing that always happens, is i don't shave very often, and as i'm just noticing now, i need to shave now. unfortunately, this is becoming a much more frequent problem, and i'm trying to stick to my rule of not growing it out until i get to college, partially because it's irritating, and partially because my bro looks like a weasel or rat or something, and partially because it'll just look like a spotty high school whatever for a little while, and there's no point in having that. So for right now i'm just gonna be using this blog as a little bit of a diary or something like that, but i can get feedback and also i can feel like instead of closing myself off in my own private world, in a way i'm opening myself up to everyone (everyone meaning the internet world, which accounts for almost everyone.) What i want to do, is join, or make if they don't exist but i'm sure they do, a group of writers that's completely anonymous, and simply write whatever and whenever i feel like it. I want to make this blog into that, but i'm afraid that people will just post crude shit, although that is part of it. But i cannot do that as of yet, so i'll keep it the way it is. I'm going to try to write some sort of fiction or not-fiction, for the next entry or two, so even though i may post something, it might not be the entirity of the piece, or it might be. I just haven't done much creatively recently, and i think it's been weighing down on me.

jetplane

I'm leaving tomorrow, to go up to my countryhouse. So i'll not be able to write up some of the things that i've written, although i'll try to steal my pop's computer and write online as much as possible. Hopefully it'll be every day ish, but i doubt i'll get it that often. I want to try to write every day at least and then just throw it up on the blog in chunks, so we'll see how things turn out.

freedom

the fourth of july signifies the day that america was freed from the british officially. On this "hallowed" day, i want everyone to consider the meaning of freedom.

What you do each day that is completely free

What you would do if you could be free

Why you are not free

What freedom really means to you.

All of these are for ponderance's sake, and nothing else. If you need more specifics on each part, then you're being too anylitical, take each one for excactly what they mean to you, and consider them yourselves. I'll try to answer them myself in a little while, hopefully you'll be inspired, who knows.

fireworks

Going off to long island for the fourth of july. i'm excited.
I get to see some friends
i get to see some fireworkes

ANNDDD

I get to be a G, but that's normal....

back home

I got home today, i'm gonna go to sleep in a sec, but i wanted to throw something up, just to keep in the habit, so it won't fall into disrepair. I realized that i love using the internet as my tool and entertainment, and that I love searching and finding, and adding new things constantly online, there's something about it that just attracts me like almost nothing else. Strangely it's like learning about an interesting girl, see previous post? that you want to get to know everything about, but know that you'll never be able to understand them on that comprehensive level because she's a girl...well i'm not an internet, but i sure do enjoy it. Anyway, i got home today, and i leave tomorrow. I need to wake up in the morning and pack up/clean up for long island, then my countryhouse to start work for my dad. It feels like i've been gone for so long that when i really think about it and realize that ive only been gone for 2 weeks it seems crazy to me, but that's the way it works. The wrestling camp was one of the greatest experiences of my life, really, if you havent read my instant reaction to it that i posted earlier. recently i haven't really written many stories or poems, so i'm going to try to get back into that, probably once i get to my countryhouse. I had a four pack on the last day of camp, but it went away really quickly because i was touring colleges and eating a lot w/o the 4 a day intensive practices. I've been working out a little bit, with occasional hard workouts when i can hit a gym at the hotel we stayed at, but i haven't been running the same way, every day. Now that my life has settled a little bit i'm going to start running every morning, hoping to drop down to about 165 by the end of the summer, which would put me at a 4% body fat, not to maintain, but at least to hold a little over 170 so that i don't need to lose crazy pounds before wrestling season, make it a lot easier on my body i think. Being back with my parents is only partially a trial. They havent changed at all, even though it feels as if i have, meeting new people, changing my life as well as my body and my mind. Wrestling is almost completely in the mind, all about continueing past your boundaries, and pushing beyond your fears and pains. Hopefully i can apply that to every aspect of my life. Tomorrow i go see john (my therapist) maybe i'll write out a little summary of what i'll say to him or sommat tomorrow before i go, so that i remember better. Another thing that camp gave me is that it restored a little bit of an experimental attitude with girls. Just being able to flirt with no reprocutions and just play around with them, no intentions or future, was lots of fun. Especially after dealing with Julia, both in relationship and once it ended, i think i needed that mental and emotional release, it just came when i was getting a physical and mental release through wrestling. In a very strange way i feel renewed, full of determination to make and form my life into what i want it to be, instead of struggling to fight agaisnt everything. Like when you face up against someone as good as you, instead of worrying about it, and trying to be good, you just move, flow, shoot, block, and keep going. The key is not to give up, and i think that i've been trying so hard to force my own way, that i haven't seen that i'm using all my strength, instead of using it to streamline myself, and then slip forward in the direction i want to persue. added a couple colleges to the list;

RPI- great academics, intensive studying and not a terrible amount of distraction, great research

Case Western- same as RPI except you have a lot more diversity b/c it's in clevelend and has more focus on other sections of study, including a large artistic and musical community.

Penn State- a huge resourceful school, opportunities to do whatever i want, great social life, not as much of an academical pinnical, but i could mold my education to be excactly what i want it to be after the first couple years of rote work.

Ohio State- similar to PSU, but it is a little more widespread in the MATSci focus, and involves a specialization after your junior year, which i like. They have a foundry at the school, and seem a lot more open to the idea of me building or bringing or finding a forge and working on it in school.

Drexel- I would go to drexel for 2 things, because it would work to my advantage, instead of against me, completely, and for the coop program, which is amazing, and would have me working for 3 6month periods of time, although most other schools have the ability to coop, drexel is where i would go for it. I love the feel i got from drexel too, it seems like a place i would thrive.

So that's the college circumstances, If you skipped that whole thing, which is reasonable, because i was kindof just writing it for myself, I've got another post started, and i'm gonna work on it for a while, probably it'll turn into another autobied piece of fiction. Like Shoes, who knows.

illin' picture

clipped from bp1.blogger.com

grits

grits and gravy is what god gave me, so for e'ry kid i meet who doesn't share his meat, i kick their ass, cause i ain't got no beef, i got grit, in every bone, bend and burn, my skin never feels no yearn for what i used to have or what i could become, instead i fight with dagger and gun every time i see the sun for what no one has won; happyness.

want

I want a girl. One of those that you see a picture of them with their guy and you just see that they are together, no matter what. I want a girl who is so complicated that i won't even try to understand, so i will never mess up my understanding of her. I want a girl who i can really talk at, to make me feel better, and who i can listen to, to make her feel better, but i want to be able to talk, and laugh about evrything with her. But most of all, i want a girl who i can curl up next to, and feel her long smooth legs against mine, and hold her silky soft body close to my chest, and have her fall asleep trapped in my eyes, until i fill up with the sight of her and cannot keep them open, gently drifting to sleep knowing that she'll be there when i wake up. I want that girl.

grimey

I'm in a grimey hotel, and it is disgusting.

i don't really know how to write them

I don't really know how to write blog entries, i've noticed that almost always i start out somewhere, and end somewhere else, so i'll have to work on that.

fear

I want to be afraid. Truly afraid for my life, sometime when i can say, my life is in danger, what am i going to do about it. Not some stupid movie scenerio, but something that's real, like the guy who jumped into the subway tracks to save a girl in front of a moving train. Using the limited knowledge that we have to protect those we don't even know in a compromised situation, that is what i want to do for a living. That is how i want to live. As jake talks about being a hero, i can understand that completely, but i don't want to be the center, as strange as it seems, i want to be behind pushing life forward for people. I want to be the construction worker who builds houses for people who have none, or the worker on the soup line who makes sure everyone gets enough. At this point in my life, i don't want to have recognition, i want to be satisfied with my own life and work simply for the sake of that satisfaction, so that the other parts of my life; free time, relationships, schooling, etc. will be equally self-assured as what i felt in New Orleans.

so.

a crying woman turns to her husband, and tearfully asks why he's leaving her. She begs him on her knees to stay, pouring out her soul through her watered eyes. He turns as she says "But I love you."
"so?" he replied.
The door closed behind him.

is it bad?

to want to be special? not extraordinary, simply to stand out in someone's, anyone's head.
i hope not.
because then i'm bad.

am I normal

It is a book, about sex. But really the question is an interesting one. One of my friends posted a quote where it was like "we all try to work our way back to normal" or something like that. I don't. Normal is where i don't want to be, not that i strive to be strange or weird or anything, but normal is something i dread. I don't want to fade into the cotton background of a plain shirt, to be another face in the crowd to the people who i care about. To be recognized and dismissed and labelled and returned to my shelf in someone's mind. I want to jump and dance, sing and cry inside their eyes, until the know me, not as a friend or a lover or a son or a father, not as a person or a human or a monkey, but as the only and ever one of me, a tigger if you will, because there is only me, and there is only this, and afterwards there will be no me, and no this, so i want to be known.

wrestling

so it's the first day that i've really had an opportunity to write, and i have to say that i've been thinking about writting a little bit, not a lot, but enough to propel myself at 4 in the morning to type up a little something. I went to a 7 day intensive wrestling camp. It was a psychotic amount of work, having 3 hard workout sessions a day with a morning run as well. What i feel was the culmination of the trip was when we ran an entire stadium, 2850 steps, every single stair. What penny said i think holds true, that there is something inside of me that has been effecting everything in which i live and to which i compare. I think that this wrestling camp has taught me something else, that there is nothing that is trully beyond my mental power to control within me. That's a very complicated statement, and probably obtuse to anyone who isn't in my head. When you push yourself so far beyond your physical limits, and continue to function at 110% of your normal capacity, simply because you force yourself to, you learn something, i know i did. I learned that my own life is really up to me, american beauty anyone? and that when i come across something that seems impossible, it is simply because I'm looking at it from a unique point of view, and that it may be possible from another. The experience of running up a set of 110 stairs, the first set, and having my legs be really tired after the first set alone, and knowing that i had about 30 more to go was something that stayed with me, along with the knowledge of having to finish. So wrestling has given me pride, in myself, and the need to prove myself, not in a physical or mental or emotional way, but to myself. If i do not succeed in my own eyes, then i cannot succeed in anything, that is at the heart of what i think has been troubling me recently, and i have been much more at ease in my own skin the past couple days, it has been wonderful.

bloggin'

I may not be able to keep up with the blog for the next week, i don't know if i'll have any chance to get to internets or anythang like that. I DO know that i have no scheduled free time, but i do have long lunch and dinner breaks (so we can digest our food before wrestling and running again) so i may be able to do something there.

Much love,
Rajkat

visiting

I'm so sick of her always showing up whenever things seem to start being ok with some problem. She manages to pull things up from a while ago and throw them into light again, seemingly without any purpose beyond being pissed off. Right now i'm in Penn State, so i can't talk too much, but she just popped up again, and it seems like she cannot coexist with me peacefully. I don't understand why it has to be so difficult. It's probably my fault and i don't even realize it, but i cannot see how that would work. I visited lehigh today also, it really excited me, and i officially have lengthened my list to 3 schools that i'm very seriously considering as top choices:
Renssilaer Polytechnic Institute
Drexel
Lehigh
I like each of them for completely different reasons, which is making it very difficult to figure out which one i would pick as a top choice if i was forced to. I like the feeling i'm getting from Penn State at university too, although i will spend the next week sweating and dieing here, i think i may end up putting it on that list to as the big school that i would apply to. So far Lehigh would be the hardest to get into, seeing as they accept a higher level of academic work, and fewer students, but i don't think any of them is beyond me. I need to go get some sleep though, tomorrow is gonna be a huge day. I hope Julia doesn't bother me in my dreams like she has before, it's always torture.

crazy ass bitch

my dad is driving me crazy. i don't understand him at all anymore. He constantly wants me to be working, even though it's finally summer and i actually shouldn't have any work to do. But that's not good enough for him, he needs to see me WORKING or else i'm obviously not on top of things. Then when i try to spend as much time away from home as possible, sleeping at friends' houses, going out for every meal, etc. he makes me come home so he can see me, saying that i'm avoiding him and everything, which is true. The bitch of the matter is that i want to get away from him now, because for most of the summer i'm going to be stuck right next to him, and even though i'll be doing fun stuff, it's gonna be painful. I was hoping to get away from him as much as possible this week, before i go off to camp and lose my mind in physical pain, but i guess it's not to be. At least i can talk and communicate and exist around my mom, but with my dad it just seems that everything each of us does just gets to the other until we have to have another "discussion" about my problems. I'm just tired of always fucking dealing with him, and the fact that he doesn't care what i do as long as i'm not doing what he thinks i should be doing even if it's unreasonable. I don't understand why he has to be irritable with me. Why his expectations have priority over mine i don't get, and why his way is better, and the only way he can accept. like what the fuck? anyway, i just wanted to get that shit off my chest. i think i'm gonna start typing up shit e'rey day. just to keep on this shizz.

bridge to teribithia

I DLed this movie, not knowing what i was getting into. It really touched my heart. The story is original, based off a book that i have not but should read. Both of the main characters are darling, guy and girl, but there's something geniune that really resonated with me. Something about running away from your life into another world where you create magic and creatures that, although not all good, you can truly BE with. the story is also brilliant (spoiler alert); when the girl dies i was really sad, and i kept hoping that maybe she would show up, seeing as she had fallen in the river, maybe the other world was real in some respect and would save her, as the guy was saved by the friendly giant aka tree. But then it just ended with the introduction of the sister and the world opening up in front of them, which made me melencholy, because she was actually dead, but the world kept on going, like in real life. So that's why i think it was an incredible movie, from both the acting and the plot aspect of it.

ok so

I have work to be doing, but i don't want to be doing it. And there is no way to avoid doing it, but i feel the necessity to do so. I haven't really slept in 3 days (couple hours here and there, couple classes and labs) but for some reason, i'm as tired as after a weekend of sleep. I've always been like this. where some people get more tired, i'm just never awake.

don't count as a freestyle cause i wrote it down

when people ask me to spit, i just say no. cause when i spit shit, it ruins their flow, aint got nothing to compare to me, go out and plant a tree, save the environ some, sted a bein' a bum, cause you aint got shit to start with this, i'm too fly to take a piss, on all yo' white ass fucking clowns, whose rich fuck faces are stuck in frowns, as buyin' weed by more'n an ounce, can't top this, i'm unstoppable, with rhymes collosal, i'll kill you, your mom, then go back and break your father's fossils. Rick ross is the boss, but i'm the king, when i come to town every fat lady sings, i shit out more than all y'all bring, ain't nothing to compare with russ, you steppin' in front of a doubledeck bus, when you step to the mic, you best be afright, and if you ain't when you come then its ait, cus when you leave it'll be the end of this fight, with you as the loser, shown true as a poser, with me as the closer, get'n all the hoes'er, so limp yo beat ass back home to da dumpster.

dreams

the essential definition of a man, but at the same time, they torment and dance just beyond his reach. Never being able to achieve them makes him who he is, but also destroys who he is not. When you think about who you are, you don't think about who you are NOT. The aspects of yourself that you've changed to be better are no longer the same that they used to be. So which one of you has the right to live? the original or what you perceive to be a better person. There are definitely better attributes, better people, better chances, but can you change yourself to become that? I think you can. The problem is inherent in the difficulty of changing. When something is hard, it forces us to consider the possibility that nature has taken the easiest course, and has made the best possible out of the available materials. So are we born at the peak of our excellence? not as a child, but as a natural human. So is it against nature to "better" yourself, to try to be an upstanding citizen, to help people, to go against your nature to fit in, or to not fit in, either one. Maybe it is wrong to be "better" than yourself, and instead we should simply sink into the mediocrity that threatens all of us constantly, because it is the best that we can be or do.

i'm just too tired.
emotions weigh more than pounds,
leaving no physical damage behind,
but never leaving me free,
until I cannot escape the silk strings
of my past.

i'm just too tired.
to think and feel and cry,
everyday my feet walk themselves,
while my mind pushes against
the pain and misery
of my past.

i'm just TOO tired.
but i cannot be lazy,
i cannot simply lie down,
too many strings tying me up
my muscles straining against the tied memories
of my past.

i'm just too tired.
i will refuse any offer,
accept any critique,
proffer any flaw,
avoid any question
of my past.
because i'm just too tired.

caffiene fail

after taking caffiene for 3 years straight, it ceases to wake me up, and instead suspends me in half-states. half-awake, half-stupid, half-crazy, half-confused, completely tired. morbidity is stupid. My obsession with death is not real, i am simply interested, the same way a man is interested in a woman, or a cat in a moving string. Nothing special, like the simple struggle for survival that suffocates any attempt at self-sustenance. to long for the sleep that brings the same dreams that keep me awake is not the ultimate irony, that is not reserved for me, for i would be too much a fool to believe in myself, and too much an idiot not to. my skin burns with a constant pain that only my own blood can soothe.

drained

sometimes, like now, i feel as if every different emotion and piece of me is a tiny string tied to a very small rock. Each of these invisible spider-threads is tossed out through my shoulders, and back, and legs, and arms, until i have millions of rocks clattering behind me, catching on every little bump in the road, making me work a hundred times harder for every step, never truly running in the wind, but simply trudging. To slowly grind your muscles against your tendon-linked bones, to grab a rock ledge, and pull yourself up agonizingly far. That is what each day feels like. I wake up, if i slept, with the ideas that i can change myself, and so the world. By the end of the day, all my thoughts are beaten out of my like a criminal's confession, leaving only the hope for tomorrow. Then i dream. Each piece of my life has its own horrible moments and its own amazing moments. The depths that people will go to in order to achieve their own ends disgusts me. Especially when they act subconcsiously, because it is not their fault that they work and react and live the way they do. At leas that is what i tell myself about others; i hold myself to much higher standards. I inherited my father's self-perfectionism. I cannot stand when i cannot do something, which i hate. The inablity to complete a task that was assigned is something that i cannot abide by, yet i seem to be constantly in a situation where i am forced to make a choice between one thing and another; watching the un-selected option disappear into the ocean. Humans are so temporary that we are required by natural law to copulate as quickly as possible; we live 80 years before we lose the last of our functions. I do not want to die in my bed, no matter the purpose. I want to die in such a way that i will remember the feeling, the pain, the heat, everything. To see the world under such a different concept would take a lifetime, not the instances i have before i leave everything behind me. I have a fascination with death, it can be violent, angry, peaceful, kind, almost anything. I want to die a million times for the world's problems. I want to fix myself, so that i can fix others. I want to be myself truly, not someone else, just myself. But i can't, and i can't move on, and i can't end my life, and i cannot even find what i am looking for. Instead i am trapped, in every sense, eternally following my own imagined and created hopes.

drexel

so. i went to philly this sunday. Visited Drexel college. It was awesome. first off, they're the drexel dragons...like how awesome..Also they're a d1 school, so the wrestling team'll be ridic. I talked to this girl who reminded me of a girl from a camp from way back when, well like 2 years or something. The camp girl's name was andrea, i called her drea. Both of these girls are short, mexican-looking, really pretty, and from texas. It's really weird, because they seemed pretty similar, and were both really chill, and from the same place. She was real cute, but besides taht, she had done something that i found really awesome. She had applied and gotten into the 5 year BS/MS program, meaning she graduated in 5 years, and had both a bachelor's and a master's degree, then she had done a double minor in french and spanish, and had done a 3 co-op program as well. That's a ridiculous amount of work, although she got her BS and MS in the same field, so it wasn't crazy. She worked with americorps and engineers without borders, so it was almost as if she had had the same plan as me, it was kindof crazy coincidental. My idea would be to get a BS in materials science and engineering, and my masters in environmental engineering, maybe throw a comp sci minor in, but i don't know if i'll have time, specially because i was talking to some of the kids at Drexel and they were trying to convince me to join the crew team, who knows. The we wandered around in the cool air, it was the perfect tempature, my favorite. we ran into the art complex, and the people there were super friendly. It seems as if it wouldn't be that hard at all to apply and make an aesome future for me. So i got really excited, but i'm gonna stop writing for now, more alter.

indeed

So i went and saw DTW (a dance program at school). And i realized that there are a LOT of really talented dancers... I am definately not one of them. Watching good dance is one of the most amazing experiences that i know, and i have to say, that i enjoy watching a really good dance more than i enjoy dancing myself, although i've never participated in a GOOD dance, so perhaps it's incomparable. I'm immensely glad that i managed to find the time to go, despite having just not really gotten over a bad cough/cold/flue w/e. I haven't been posting very regularly, partially because i'm a little behind in work, and partly because i just haven't. The real point of this post i suppose, is something i'm very carefully dancing around, just not literally. At the performance, and earlier when we were playing a little indoor handball **planning on starting a handball team w/ jon and kg** Julia showed up. Having been in worse situations with ex-girlfriends, and actually much worse situations with J while we were going out, I have to say that it was not a bad experience, but it definitely made me think. part of the strange thing was that she avoided my eyes whenever i looked at her, but she would almost always be looking at me whenever i would notice her. It felt a weird. Obviously we aren't going to be comfortable around each other for a little while, which is sad cause we share the same friends, and because i don't think that we would not get along too well, but i dont think she is ready to accept that. In a way, it helped me kindof reach some sort of resolution about the whole situation. There's only so much that you can figure out about a past relationship through the interpretations and conversations of mutual friends, there is a certain amount of subconscious emotional and physical communication that can only be passed on through seeing and being with your ex. I've finally figured out a little bit. I am no longer attracted to J for anything other than her, considerable, physical charm, and I am repulsed by some of her choices and pieces of her personality. Of course that means i'm emotionally "back on the market" right? sortof... I need to pull my pants on first. This school year has been tough, and i need to keep it all together before the end of the year, then i'm done, and i can consider maybe something meaningful. I don't even know if i want a relationship for a little while. I've enjoyed being a bachalor again, it's fun to not worry about the consequences of meeting a girl, or not to worry about calling someone back. I slowly feel that freedom releasing the final compressions of my head and heart, healing the damage that everything a few months ago did. Now i just need to survive through to the summer, then I'll make it. Those are my thoughts for now. I'm also working on the rest of that story, it comes in spurts (like some other things), but i'm trying to work on it regularly. I've made a pledge to myself that i'll start writing more publicly (aka my blog) because that way i can much more easily determine the things that should be shared, and the things that should not, a boundary i probably crossed this week by sharing a poem that i think frightened people, ah well.

please doctor

this is the first piece: I'm working on the next section.

I shuddered awake, hands grasping, trying to keep his dream alive. As my senses came back to this dark reality, i felt the throbbing pain of a constipated orgasm. i hurried to the bathroom to perform a service that was once a pleasure, but no longer. Now i'm kept awake by dreams i hope to have, so i wander the world looking at nothing. This day started early, my waking at four in the morning meant that i wouldn't be getting any more sleep. drearily i walked into the shower, turning on the cold. I let my skin shrink to fit my form once again, under the bombardment of freezing particles. i took my daily toxin, caffiene, vitamins, claritin, painkillers, a thousand pills a day keeps the doctors away... But i had to see a doctor this day, once a year i bluff my way through a visit, trying to convince them i was doing ok. Dealing with cold professionals, not what you want to do on a couple hours of sex-ridden sleep. But i had to do it, had to get the forms signed to keep me working, the only thing that was keeping me from slicing my skin into little strips and meeting the devil face to shredded face.
As always, i was met by a nurse, who i followed to the private waiting room. It was all organized by my company; they didn't want too many people staring at me all the time, i was useful in my ability to fade into the world. so i found myself in a private waiting room, but i wasn't alone. For the first time, there was someone else filling the many seats. She was beautiful, not only because she was good-looking, wearing a business skirt, high heels, her black lace bra clearly evident through her thin white shirt, but because she was another person, someone who would stare at me, watch me, see me before i put on my face for the doctor, see me after i forced a signature out of him. She would see me at my finest and my worst, and she didn't know my name.
I had never seen a business woman before, with her hair done up, her legs crossed primly, nothing out o place at all. The urge rushed over me to tear her shirt off, revealing the daily exercised body that she was so proud of. running my hands all over her bare skin. I wanted to pull her hair out of it's tight bun, letting her free from society's constraints. Instead i sat down across from her, closed my eyes and put my music on, and let myself drift.
I opened my eyes when my music stopped, and she was sitting next to me with my ipod in her delicate hands. I openly looked at her, while her eyes were attracted to mine, letting my vision roam over her wonderfully hidden body. She was still looking at me as i returned my gaze to her face. My face turned bright red, as i recognized the impropriety of what i had just done, but i could not have stopped myself with a sledgehammer.

SUNY Alfred

The school itself is not a terribly bad one. It's average SAT score of 1100 indicating a decent school, not great, but a reasonably self-assured one. The problem only occurs when you delve deeper into the seemingly open and accepting front. The school is fairly small, 1-2 thousand kids in the entire school, much less to say in the engineering section. But when confronted with the idea of taking extra courses, they were astonishingly unforgiving. I wanted to take a main curriculum in the materials science and engineering school, while taking one or two courses in their art school, which is a rather better school than the engineering one. Instead of trying to figure out a way to work it into a schedule with me, they said that they could not do that, my taking art classes was not a feasible concept. I was stunned, but i sortof understood. two different schools, they don't want me to get a back door way into getting into the art school, or basic art classes. So i asked if i could simply use the forge. Just use the forge and anvil that they had set up there FOR the art school, but could i use it even if i was in the engineering school? the answer was no. In order to use the forge i would need to take a 6 year program, ultimately a double major in visual arts and engineering. That sounded ridiculous to begin with, why should i have to take an entire major in something i simply wanted time and space to do my own work in, no longer asking for classes. Also, i had asked similar questions at other schools, most of them saying that a double major in the same subjects could be worked out in a four year, or maybe a five year program, if i wanted a more relaxed schedule. Having to take a six year schedule was strange, but even more so because they were unwilling to bend in the slightest. Even with a lot of AP credits, she said i would still not be able to take a five year double major. That's ridiculous, as i said earlier. As a safety school, their unwillingness to try to make concessions made them immediately get crossed off my list, because they could not see that i was not bound for their school. The resulting internal conflict from visiting Alfred was multiple. Because it was teh school of both my father and mother, at least for a time, I found many different thoughts running through my head, these were the ideas of; age, children, parents, death, depression, pitiful attempts, and the consequences of failure.

trippin'

going across dat state, loooking at colleges w/ the rents. I'll write about it later, once i have a minute to sit down.

this is a cry for unbabies

for every baby that is born, about .1 of a person dies. that is a serious problem, but we can't just not have babies, people are too fucking horny..SO i've decided that unbabies should be seriously considered. Instead of bringing a baby into the world,
they don't.
instead of making babies, or UNmaking babies, which is wrong (despite all the dead baby jokes i know) we make unbabies! yay. problem solved. (children of men anybody?)

american born - beginning of an essay

The story of racism in the U.S. is one that is intrinsically tied to the development of freedom. When people are free, they make their own decisions. Unfortunately, those decisions are often to the detriment of other humans; we act to benefit ourselves.

shining shoes of fury

If you ever come across someone whose shoes are blindingly beautiful, please, give a nod, finding that you've been noticed is a great feeling. When on the train, noticing that anyone enjoys the effort that you put into your appearence, no matter how small it is, feels good. Specially if your life is composed of school and not-sleep, running on empty gets filled slightly by the thought that you still have the good graces to pull in a couple admiring looks. so next time you see a girl walking by with a nice ass, a guy sitting on the subway with awesome jeans, even a dog with a chill collar, give a nod, let em know, cause no one minds being told they look good.

fat
+
food
+
work
+
sex
+
purple
drank
+
µ-sak
+
late
nights
+
caffiene
=
Ruskell

schoolin'

I have ceased to understand the purpose of being "educated" to simply sit in school and get taught things that will have absolutely no bearing on the life that you will live. It makes no sense to me. Instead of restricting our prime years of life indoors getting taught what is consider "educational" we should have a much less restricted adolescence. Students should learn all types of things during the growing up period of time when we are teenagers and young adults. Instead of learning things that are useful to our lives, we are taught how to sit around all day.