indeed

So i went and saw DTW (a dance program at school). And i realized that there are a LOT of really talented dancers... I am definately not one of them. Watching good dance is one of the most amazing experiences that i know, and i have to say, that i enjoy watching a really good dance more than i enjoy dancing myself, although i've never participated in a GOOD dance, so perhaps it's incomparable. I'm immensely glad that i managed to find the time to go, despite having just not really gotten over a bad cough/cold/flue w/e. I haven't been posting very regularly, partially because i'm a little behind in work, and partly because i just haven't. The real point of this post i suppose, is something i'm very carefully dancing around, just not literally. At the performance, and earlier when we were playing a little indoor handball **planning on starting a handball team w/ jon and kg** Julia showed up. Having been in worse situations with ex-girlfriends, and actually much worse situations with J while we were going out, I have to say that it was not a bad experience, but it definitely made me think. part of the strange thing was that she avoided my eyes whenever i looked at her, but she would almost always be looking at me whenever i would notice her. It felt a weird. Obviously we aren't going to be comfortable around each other for a little while, which is sad cause we share the same friends, and because i don't think that we would not get along too well, but i dont think she is ready to accept that. In a way, it helped me kindof reach some sort of resolution about the whole situation. There's only so much that you can figure out about a past relationship through the interpretations and conversations of mutual friends, there is a certain amount of subconscious emotional and physical communication that can only be passed on through seeing and being with your ex. I've finally figured out a little bit. I am no longer attracted to J for anything other than her, considerable, physical charm, and I am repulsed by some of her choices and pieces of her personality. Of course that means i'm emotionally "back on the market" right? sortof... I need to pull my pants on first. This school year has been tough, and i need to keep it all together before the end of the year, then i'm done, and i can consider maybe something meaningful. I don't even know if i want a relationship for a little while. I've enjoyed being a bachalor again, it's fun to not worry about the consequences of meeting a girl, or not to worry about calling someone back. I slowly feel that freedom releasing the final compressions of my head and heart, healing the damage that everything a few months ago did. Now i just need to survive through to the summer, then I'll make it. Those are my thoughts for now. I'm also working on the rest of that story, it comes in spurts (like some other things), but i'm trying to work on it regularly. I've made a pledge to myself that i'll start writing more publicly (aka my blog) because that way i can much more easily determine the things that should be shared, and the things that should not, a boundary i probably crossed this week by sharing a poem that i think frightened people, ah well.