while you were gone

So this is a strange thing, but it's a non-blog blog post. it was not written on the internet, but i'll put it up as soon as i can. it seems a little weird to be writing to my blog, but i'm not online doing a millino thinks, usually it's just when i'm alone w/ a notebook that i write like this, so maybe you'll be able to see a difference but i doubt it. I tend to feel alone a lot, even when people are nearby and i'm writing on an open medium. This break has been good so far, but i need to start working today, as it's officially turkey day (yay! food!) and it's a little sad, but i'm actually not going to write right now, i'll finish this later, but i need to go run 5 miles :P that's how i'm planning on staying in shape over break.

So here it is much later, about 1:20 right now, prolly be signifigantly later when i'm done. My run was fun, i did a pretty intense run, but i really enjoyed it, i read somewhere that excersice is te greatest happiness inducer when you aren't happy, i would definately agree with that, whenever i feel down it's either smashing someone's face, sitting in a corner listening to angry music, or working out till i can't move. it has both a physical exhaustion and anger induced strength workout, but also it drains your mind of everything that you are being bothered by. You no longer worry about anything going on, you just lift, or run, listening to music that induces its own emotions in you. I make it a rule never to listen to sad or peaceful music when i'm angry though, because it always screws me up, i become both angry and sad or something, which is usually an even worse combination that a depressed military man. I made a pretty hot beat, which i have yet to name, i'll try to get it put up somewhere so ppl can hear it eventually. Being up here really brings out my creative side, writing, thinking, spitting, spinning, allt hat stuff. I wish i could have built a forge this summer, but dad was always too busy, and as he was always busy i made myself busy too, so that i wouldn't just be an idle hand waiting for him to finish his work, i helped him finish, but there was always more before we could get steel for the forge, before we could draft up a model, which i did anyway because i knew it was up to me to drive it through, but there was no way for me to get steel without him. So there is no forge up here for me, it would be so perfect to be able to smith every weekend i come up, i would make so much...but it's not to be. I am rambling, probably because i'm getting tired, i've been going to bed earlier on weekends than im used to, and the strain of the recent weeks has really been getting to me. Tomorrow is a big day, most of all because i have a little bit of work to catch up in, finally things have started to overrun me, and i cannot allow that, so this next few days are gonna be workheavy in order to get me back on top of everything. I miss all my friends when i'm up here, but it's balanced out by how beautiful and amazing i find everything when i'm up here, yes even myself sometimes. Honestly, the idea of bringing one of my really close friends up here excites and frightens me, i would love to have someone love this place the way i do, and be up here with me so i could share everything with them, but i would hate if they did not love it, or if they were not crazy about it, or any number of things. There's one person i showed it to, but i knew her better than i know myself, and it was one of my best weekends. I wish she would come back so i could see her again, but for now i know she's gone. This day has been a great one. It started off well with a late sleep and the beginning of a good book, then i went running, came home, had a haircut (yes it's now crazy short) and then took a shower and ate fat burgers, one of my favorite things to do up here is to grill, yeah boi it's tha shit. Then more reading, and then dinner, which was AMAZING; Fresh turkey, cranberries, mashed potatoes, squash, sweet potatoes, brussel sprouts, homemade cider, a good wine, there is very little more i could have asked..but then we had pie...So that alone made it an incredible day. Yes i place that much importance on food, it's the only thing that remains the same through everythnig i've ever known. So i'm thankful for that, thankful that i don't go hungry often, and that i usually have enough food to give some away. That i have a strong (and not ugly) body to work and save money for food if i become hungry. I'm thankful that i can take care of my friends and myself, and that i have a future in front of me that excites me more than most beautiful women. I'm thankful that people find me fun and entertaining, sexy and big. I cannot help the things that i can't change or fix, but i can definately try, I'm thankful that so much of my life has really been ok at least, even if it hasn't been the happiest or best life. And as i approach my age of enlightenment (18), I'm thankful that i had the opportunity to be a child, really be a child, for so long. I was never forced to grow up fast, or do anything i didn't understand then or look up later in order to understand. I'm thankful that my whole family is still alive, and that i have enough money for shoes and fitteds like i love. On that thankful note, and finally a happy one, i'm going to sign off, at least for tonight, and probably write more tomorrow, because i can finally let go of my self-hate a little bit. Thanks to the food that gave me release, in more than one way.
Thanks.

So i didn't write anything for friday, and now it's getting on towards saturday night, and saturday night means that i'm going to have to do some serious work or something, so i think this might be the only chance i get to write. I'm in the car, and it's a little hard to write, but it's the best place to think of course. Absolutely no distractions, i can just concentrate on a completely black screen and a text edit page. There is also something immensely soothing about watching my thoughts come out of my fingers. I wish that i had no work to do anymore, but i have so much it's not even funny. So these next few days (i'm not pretending that i'll manage to get it done tonight and tomorrow) are gonna be horrible ones... But i'll make do, like always, and get everything done. Then report day! I"m actually excited for this report day, and this marking period, because i want to get my grades and shove them in everyone's face, just say suck my nuts, college advisors, parents, teachers, all the one's who keep telling me not to be too confident, despite all teh grades flooding home that are all As, despite being able to pull a good paper out of my ass, despite getting reasonably good grades the past few years, i still get hated on, people still don't believe that i can do it. It's one of the most frustrating things i have ever dealt with. I can't wait to tell my dad to back the fuck off, that obviously i am getting all of the work done, and that there is no need for him to constantly be on my case anymore. That is gonna be one of the most satisfying things i've ever done. Then again next week is gonna be crazy heavy as wrestling season starts for real. We've got a meet tuesday, wednesday, friday, and a tournament on saturday. So it's the shit for real. I'm so psyched, I'm still losing weight, hopefully if i stay straight i'll be down to like 75 by this weekend, then it'll get really hard, cause i'm gonna be hungry after wrestling hard matches, but i can't eat a ton. Never taken no pills or nothing, and i don't plan on it either, if i can't do it through pure will power, than there is no reason that i should do it...

I have a perverse desire to get in trouble... I want to feel that anxiety about something, but i've gotten into shit so often that i no longer even get anxious about getting into trouble anymore.. which is kinda sad and refreshing at the same time. I'm supposed to be working and i am, i'm supposed to be obeying the law, and i am most of the time, i'm supposed to pay attention to my teachers and my parents, and i am for the most part. So there isn't much that i'm crossing the line about except my own limits, and i've always pushed them further than anyone can believe possible. It's just fun to say, ok so i can stay awake for this long on no sleep, and than MAKE myself stay up for another 10 hours, then another, then another, until i can't do it anymore. I don't think anyone really knows how much i tend to do that with my own problems, or gifts, or whatever you want to call things that i can force myself to do. LIke losing 10 pounds in a week, and still eating (i like food too much for me to starve myself completely). So now i'm stuck on this feeling like i wish i could push the boundaries a little further w/ life, just push my living past where i shouldn't b living, and then see how long i can hold myself there, or how far i can stretch life.