this actually made me grin, and enjoy life, despite the massive amount of work left to get done tonight.
http://www.88by31.com/flashman/thepeoplesmario.swf
go mario.
30.11.08
while you were gone
So this is a strange thing, but it's a non-blog blog post. it was not written on the internet, but i'll put it up as soon as i can. it seems a little weird to be writing to my blog, but i'm not online doing a millino thinks, usually it's just when i'm alone w/ a notebook that i write like this, so maybe you'll be able to see a difference but i doubt it. I tend to feel alone a lot, even when people are nearby and i'm writing on an open medium. This break has been good so far, but i need to start working today, as it's officially turkey day (yay! food!) and it's a little sad, but i'm actually not going to write right now, i'll finish this later, but i need to go run 5 miles :P that's how i'm planning on staying in shape over break.
So here it is much later, about 1:20 right now, prolly be signifigantly later when i'm done. My run was fun, i did a pretty intense run, but i really enjoyed it, i read somewhere that excersice is te greatest happiness inducer when you aren't happy, i would definately agree with that, whenever i feel down it's either smashing someone's face, sitting in a corner listening to angry music, or working out till i can't move. it has both a physical exhaustion and anger induced strength workout, but also it drains your mind of everything that you are being bothered by. You no longer worry about anything going on, you just lift, or run, listening to music that induces its own emotions in you. I make it a rule never to listen to sad or peaceful music when i'm angry though, because it always screws me up, i become both angry and sad or something, which is usually an even worse combination that a depressed military man. I made a pretty hot beat, which i have yet to name, i'll try to get it put up somewhere so ppl can hear it eventually. Being up here really brings out my creative side, writing, thinking, spitting, spinning, allt hat stuff. I wish i could have built a forge this summer, but dad was always too busy, and as he was always busy i made myself busy too, so that i wouldn't just be an idle hand waiting for him to finish his work, i helped him finish, but there was always more before we could get steel for the forge, before we could draft up a model, which i did anyway because i knew it was up to me to drive it through, but there was no way for me to get steel without him. So there is no forge up here for me, it would be so perfect to be able to smith every weekend i come up, i would make so much...but it's not to be. I am rambling, probably because i'm getting tired, i've been going to bed earlier on weekends than im used to, and the strain of the recent weeks has really been getting to me. Tomorrow is a big day, most of all because i have a little bit of work to catch up in, finally things have started to overrun me, and i cannot allow that, so this next few days are gonna be workheavy in order to get me back on top of everything. I miss all my friends when i'm up here, but it's balanced out by how beautiful and amazing i find everything when i'm up here, yes even myself sometimes. Honestly, the idea of bringing one of my really close friends up here excites and frightens me, i would love to have someone love this place the way i do, and be up here with me so i could share everything with them, but i would hate if they did not love it, or if they were not crazy about it, or any number of things. There's one person i showed it to, but i knew her better than i know myself, and it was one of my best weekends. I wish she would come back so i could see her again, but for now i know she's gone. This day has been a great one. It started off well with a late sleep and the beginning of a good book, then i went running, came home, had a haircut (yes it's now crazy short) and then took a shower and ate fat burgers, one of my favorite things to do up here is to grill, yeah boi it's tha shit. Then more reading, and then dinner, which was AMAZING; Fresh turkey, cranberries, mashed potatoes, squash, sweet potatoes, brussel sprouts, homemade cider, a good wine, there is very little more i could have asked..but then we had pie...So that alone made it an incredible day. Yes i place that much importance on food, it's the only thing that remains the same through everythnig i've ever known. So i'm thankful for that, thankful that i don't go hungry often, and that i usually have enough food to give some away. That i have a strong (and not ugly) body to work and save money for food if i become hungry. I'm thankful that i can take care of my friends and myself, and that i have a future in front of me that excites me more than most beautiful women. I'm thankful that people find me fun and entertaining, sexy and big. I cannot help the things that i can't change or fix, but i can definately try, I'm thankful that so much of my life has really been ok at least, even if it hasn't been the happiest or best life. And as i approach my age of enlightenment (18), I'm thankful that i had the opportunity to be a child, really be a child, for so long. I was never forced to grow up fast, or do anything i didn't understand then or look up later in order to understand. I'm thankful that my whole family is still alive, and that i have enough money for shoes and fitteds like i love. On that thankful note, and finally a happy one, i'm going to sign off, at least for tonight, and probably write more tomorrow, because i can finally let go of my self-hate a little bit. Thanks to the food that gave me release, in more than one way.
Thanks.
So i didn't write anything for friday, and now it's getting on towards saturday night, and saturday night means that i'm going to have to do some serious work or something, so i think this might be the only chance i get to write. I'm in the car, and it's a little hard to write, but it's the best place to think of course. Absolutely no distractions, i can just concentrate on a completely black screen and a text edit page. There is also something immensely soothing about watching my thoughts come out of my fingers. I wish that i had no work to do anymore, but i have so much it's not even funny. So these next few days (i'm not pretending that i'll manage to get it done tonight and tomorrow) are gonna be horrible ones... But i'll make do, like always, and get everything done. Then report day! I"m actually excited for this report day, and this marking period, because i want to get my grades and shove them in everyone's face, just say suck my nuts, college advisors, parents, teachers, all the one's who keep telling me not to be too confident, despite all teh grades flooding home that are all As, despite being able to pull a good paper out of my ass, despite getting reasonably good grades the past few years, i still get hated on, people still don't believe that i can do it. It's one of the most frustrating things i have ever dealt with. I can't wait to tell my dad to back the fuck off, that obviously i am getting all of the work done, and that there is no need for him to constantly be on my case anymore. That is gonna be one of the most satisfying things i've ever done. Then again next week is gonna be crazy heavy as wrestling season starts for real. We've got a meet tuesday, wednesday, friday, and a tournament on saturday. So it's the shit for real. I'm so psyched, I'm still losing weight, hopefully if i stay straight i'll be down to like 75 by this weekend, then it'll get really hard, cause i'm gonna be hungry after wrestling hard matches, but i can't eat a ton. Never taken no pills or nothing, and i don't plan on it either, if i can't do it through pure will power, than there is no reason that i should do it...
I have a perverse desire to get in trouble... I want to feel that anxiety about something, but i've gotten into shit so often that i no longer even get anxious about getting into trouble anymore.. which is kinda sad and refreshing at the same time. I'm supposed to be working and i am, i'm supposed to be obeying the law, and i am most of the time, i'm supposed to pay attention to my teachers and my parents, and i am for the most part. So there isn't much that i'm crossing the line about except my own limits, and i've always pushed them further than anyone can believe possible. It's just fun to say, ok so i can stay awake for this long on no sleep, and than MAKE myself stay up for another 10 hours, then another, then another, until i can't do it anymore. I don't think anyone really knows how much i tend to do that with my own problems, or gifts, or whatever you want to call things that i can force myself to do. LIke losing 10 pounds in a week, and still eating (i like food too much for me to starve myself completely). So now i'm stuck on this feeling like i wish i could push the boundaries a little further w/ life, just push my living past where i shouldn't b living, and then see how long i can hold myself there, or how far i can stretch life.
So here it is much later, about 1:20 right now, prolly be signifigantly later when i'm done. My run was fun, i did a pretty intense run, but i really enjoyed it, i read somewhere that excersice is te greatest happiness inducer when you aren't happy, i would definately agree with that, whenever i feel down it's either smashing someone's face, sitting in a corner listening to angry music, or working out till i can't move. it has both a physical exhaustion and anger induced strength workout, but also it drains your mind of everything that you are being bothered by. You no longer worry about anything going on, you just lift, or run, listening to music that induces its own emotions in you. I make it a rule never to listen to sad or peaceful music when i'm angry though, because it always screws me up, i become both angry and sad or something, which is usually an even worse combination that a depressed military man. I made a pretty hot beat, which i have yet to name, i'll try to get it put up somewhere so ppl can hear it eventually. Being up here really brings out my creative side, writing, thinking, spitting, spinning, allt hat stuff. I wish i could have built a forge this summer, but dad was always too busy, and as he was always busy i made myself busy too, so that i wouldn't just be an idle hand waiting for him to finish his work, i helped him finish, but there was always more before we could get steel for the forge, before we could draft up a model, which i did anyway because i knew it was up to me to drive it through, but there was no way for me to get steel without him. So there is no forge up here for me, it would be so perfect to be able to smith every weekend i come up, i would make so much...but it's not to be. I am rambling, probably because i'm getting tired, i've been going to bed earlier on weekends than im used to, and the strain of the recent weeks has really been getting to me. Tomorrow is a big day, most of all because i have a little bit of work to catch up in, finally things have started to overrun me, and i cannot allow that, so this next few days are gonna be workheavy in order to get me back on top of everything. I miss all my friends when i'm up here, but it's balanced out by how beautiful and amazing i find everything when i'm up here, yes even myself sometimes. Honestly, the idea of bringing one of my really close friends up here excites and frightens me, i would love to have someone love this place the way i do, and be up here with me so i could share everything with them, but i would hate if they did not love it, or if they were not crazy about it, or any number of things. There's one person i showed it to, but i knew her better than i know myself, and it was one of my best weekends. I wish she would come back so i could see her again, but for now i know she's gone. This day has been a great one. It started off well with a late sleep and the beginning of a good book, then i went running, came home, had a haircut (yes it's now crazy short) and then took a shower and ate fat burgers, one of my favorite things to do up here is to grill, yeah boi it's tha shit. Then more reading, and then dinner, which was AMAZING; Fresh turkey, cranberries, mashed potatoes, squash, sweet potatoes, brussel sprouts, homemade cider, a good wine, there is very little more i could have asked..but then we had pie...So that alone made it an incredible day. Yes i place that much importance on food, it's the only thing that remains the same through everythnig i've ever known. So i'm thankful for that, thankful that i don't go hungry often, and that i usually have enough food to give some away. That i have a strong (and not ugly) body to work and save money for food if i become hungry. I'm thankful that i can take care of my friends and myself, and that i have a future in front of me that excites me more than most beautiful women. I'm thankful that people find me fun and entertaining, sexy and big. I cannot help the things that i can't change or fix, but i can definately try, I'm thankful that so much of my life has really been ok at least, even if it hasn't been the happiest or best life. And as i approach my age of enlightenment (18), I'm thankful that i had the opportunity to be a child, really be a child, for so long. I was never forced to grow up fast, or do anything i didn't understand then or look up later in order to understand. I'm thankful that my whole family is still alive, and that i have enough money for shoes and fitteds like i love. On that thankful note, and finally a happy one, i'm going to sign off, at least for tonight, and probably write more tomorrow, because i can finally let go of my self-hate a little bit. Thanks to the food that gave me release, in more than one way.
Thanks.
So i didn't write anything for friday, and now it's getting on towards saturday night, and saturday night means that i'm going to have to do some serious work or something, so i think this might be the only chance i get to write. I'm in the car, and it's a little hard to write, but it's the best place to think of course. Absolutely no distractions, i can just concentrate on a completely black screen and a text edit page. There is also something immensely soothing about watching my thoughts come out of my fingers. I wish that i had no work to do anymore, but i have so much it's not even funny. So these next few days (i'm not pretending that i'll manage to get it done tonight and tomorrow) are gonna be horrible ones... But i'll make do, like always, and get everything done. Then report day! I"m actually excited for this report day, and this marking period, because i want to get my grades and shove them in everyone's face, just say suck my nuts, college advisors, parents, teachers, all the one's who keep telling me not to be too confident, despite all teh grades flooding home that are all As, despite being able to pull a good paper out of my ass, despite getting reasonably good grades the past few years, i still get hated on, people still don't believe that i can do it. It's one of the most frustrating things i have ever dealt with. I can't wait to tell my dad to back the fuck off, that obviously i am getting all of the work done, and that there is no need for him to constantly be on my case anymore. That is gonna be one of the most satisfying things i've ever done. Then again next week is gonna be crazy heavy as wrestling season starts for real. We've got a meet tuesday, wednesday, friday, and a tournament on saturday. So it's the shit for real. I'm so psyched, I'm still losing weight, hopefully if i stay straight i'll be down to like 75 by this weekend, then it'll get really hard, cause i'm gonna be hungry after wrestling hard matches, but i can't eat a ton. Never taken no pills or nothing, and i don't plan on it either, if i can't do it through pure will power, than there is no reason that i should do it...
I have a perverse desire to get in trouble... I want to feel that anxiety about something, but i've gotten into shit so often that i no longer even get anxious about getting into trouble anymore.. which is kinda sad and refreshing at the same time. I'm supposed to be working and i am, i'm supposed to be obeying the law, and i am most of the time, i'm supposed to pay attention to my teachers and my parents, and i am for the most part. So there isn't much that i'm crossing the line about except my own limits, and i've always pushed them further than anyone can believe possible. It's just fun to say, ok so i can stay awake for this long on no sleep, and than MAKE myself stay up for another 10 hours, then another, then another, until i can't do it anymore. I don't think anyone really knows how much i tend to do that with my own problems, or gifts, or whatever you want to call things that i can force myself to do. LIke losing 10 pounds in a week, and still eating (i like food too much for me to starve myself completely). So now i'm stuck on this feeling like i wish i could push the boundaries a little further w/ life, just push my living past where i shouldn't b living, and then see how long i can hold myself there, or how far i can stretch life.
24.11.08
workin'
So i'm gonna write somethings this week/weekend, but it's tanksgiving, so i have to be eating turkey and don't have internet that's worth anything up there. But instead i have a wonderful beautiful place, and maybe i can relax a little, despite the amount of work i have to do, it'll be great i hope.
Love
I fell in love today, she positively stole my heart, and ran away, tantalizingly present, but at the same time she dances just beyond the reach of my fingertips. It's so painful it hurts, but i know that i'll win her over eventually. No one can stay so far away from me for so long. It's impossible, i've gotta figure out how to make my self the best i can for her, and do everything i can do to get her to love me too, to stop teasing and running away from me.
here she is, the most beautiful girl in teh world:
http://www.knifecenter.com/kc_new/store_detail.html?s=SWEDNL2EL
here she is, the most beautiful girl in teh world:
http://www.knifecenter.com/kc_new/store_detail.html?s=SWEDNL2EL
i need a hit
i need a break from everything, maybe this thanksgiving break will be that, but i think it'll be a lot of work too, also i need to get there before i actually can relax, but i'm starting to collapse because of the sleeping pills, so i'm gonna head for bed. I just want things to be easy again.
vids
I want to try putting some videos up online, so i might use this blog as a springboard, eventually i might even start a vlog, here or on youtube, we'll see. Hopefully more people besides just the couple of friends who know me read this, but probably not.
musik
So i deleted the music icon on my blog, because i got really annoyed that it would constantly play lollipop, and yet never play any of the other songs...So i took it off. And i haven't missed it since (it's been 3 minutes). I hope that i'll finally be able to sleep tonight, i took like 8 sleeping pills, and maybe that'll make me sleep through the night, but i actually kinda doubt it. I forgot to do some of my homework, so tomorrow is gonna suck, and i feel sick cause i ate a couple cookies, and i haven't been eating anything sugary really in the past few weeks. Dieting is hard, but sticking to it is the hardest, i love eating so fucking much, i realize that now, when i can't eat whatever i want, and have to eat similar things every day. It's almost painful. It's turning lunch and dinner into a chore, not the best part of my days anymore, i've started considering what would happen if i just stopped eating, but i always through that out, for several reasons, the first being that i need the energy to wrestle, and i can't let myself or my team down. The second being that whenever i get really hungry, or i don't want another salad, i put on some music, and it makes my life ok.
23.11.08
been a minute
It's been a pretty strange weekend. I've been going through a little bit of shit. Another of my friends admitted that she likes me, bringing the tally up to 6? something like that. It's really crazy, seemingly as soon as i get close to someone they fall for me. It makes life a lot more complicated than it has to, and now i feel as if i'm dancing on shards of glass, ironically trying not to crush the glass with the weight of my body. Just another not on the weight thing, I'm actually going to be losing weight anyway, and then start bulking up, because i'm not strong enough for my own satisfaction. I've been spending too much of my time thinking about my own problems and not doing anything about them. Trying not to think too much anymore, just go through the day, doing my work, keeping on my feet, and doing the best i can. I feel like this blog has recently become a center for self-pity and disgusting self-centeredness. But i don't really have a problem with the blog being that, i have a problem with me being that way, so i'm going to try to work away from that. A good note is that i've been writting more and more as my life gets more complicated, probably because i have less time, and so i try to procrastinate from my work even more by doing useful things instead of just playing video games and such, although that is a major part of my escapism, recently i haven't really had the time to slip away from my life, and when you refuse to pay attention, things fall even quicker through your fingers, so I haven't been doing it as much. Re: comments, thanks for leaving them everybody. I really do enjoy hearing from you guys, no matter what, and i'm still gonna be eating salads ;)
21.11.08
weight
So what does weight really do? i never really figured it out. I have some concepts, ideas, that make me think about heaviness, and my own importance. But really i think it is so much more than that. what you weigh is a serious part of who you are, when you're more stressed you eat more etc. I made a really big decision today, I'm gonna wrestle in the 189 weight class, instead of trying for the 171. So i can eat as much as i want pretty much, but i think i'm going to try to drop anyway. Because i want to be lighter. I'll lose weight, and build up muscle and all that good stuff. I'm probably really heavy right now, like 180 or something, maybe even higher, and we've got our weight certification test today, so we'll see if i have enough fat on my to drop to the lighter weightclass, but i think i will keep wrestling in the heavier one, even once i drop below 171 pounds. My eventual goal is 165 or so...I want to at least hit it, because it's been a REALLY long time since i was under 170, and i'd like to be again. I don't actually know if that's a feasible thing, especially if i keep building up muscle, but i'll probably end up with a 6% body fat or so, which i would enjoy, probably weigh about 170. Hopefully i'll have enough fat on my today, so i can lose enough weight to get down to 171, but i don't know if i do. Right now i feel really fat, but i just ate a huge amount of food for lunch, i'll prolly skip dinner or something. all that healthy stuff. I just thought about the concept of weight, feeling fat or heavy, feeling light, everything. So that's my goal, maybe by putting it down here, it'll keep me in line a little better, so i don't have to always be watching myself, which gets really tiring.
19.11.08
traps?
I know it's bad when it's almost 11 and i can't keep my eyes open. But there's something to be said for typing with your eyes closed, it's kinda fun and inventive. But i think i might go to sleep soon, wake up tomorrow, see how my life looks then.
every day
it seems as if i cannot even go through a day without getting into a fight with my dad. This is ridiculous. we reach some resolution, and then everything we talked or argued about, gets argued or talked about the next day. It makes working really hard, and getting up the next morning on no sleep to go to school even harder. I keep telling myself that all i need to do is make it through till first quarter grades come in, and then i'll just shove them in his face, and he'll finally stop bothering me, if he believes i'm actually working. But i have this horrible suspicion that he won't care, and that there will always be things that i should have done, or that i was supposed to do, or that i should be working on right now instead of doing whatever i am doing. Today was even a pretty good day overall, but now i'm home, and it feels like i'm all alone, except i don't even get my own privacy, which is the best part of being alone. I can't really just think about things, because everytime i stop doing anything my dad asks why i'm not working. So i'm typing and he doesn't know any better. I'm so excited for when i leave this house. and i doubt if i'm going to be coming back anytime soon. My brother is probably going to be living at home once he's out of college, but i would much rather move somewhere and get a menial job until i can find out what i'm going to be doing, that would be so much easier for me than to come back her and try to find one. At least i've been writing a lot, even if it has been bad for the most part. Hopefullly it'll continue. I'll probably post something later, maybe even make something up.
17.11.08
why?
why does it always end with anger and shouting? i'm so tired of my dad telling me what to do, and of him assuming i'll just do it and shut up. sometimes i feel myself slip so close to just snapping, like tonight when he says i'm up to late and he'll take away my computer for a week if i don't get off, all because he doesn't think i'm listening to him, even though he interrupted me to shout at me. I just hope that i don't snap, because it'll end up with him laid out, i don't sit well with stupid critisism, and i don't take it from anyone except him.
jingle
if you could be a jingle, what would it make people feel? would you want people to understand and give money? or would you want them to be happy and willing to buy your product? what would you want it to be. Oddly enough i would want it to create fear, so that they would not come into my store to buy things, and wouldn't bother me.
apple fail?
an apple a day keeps the doctor away
this little kid failed so hard:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1081596/Boy-2-chokes-death-apple-watching-television-tragic-accident.html
yes it is sad, if you laughed you're going to hell, even though everyone laughed a little inside.
this little kid failed so hard:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1081596/Boy-2-chokes-death-apple-watching-television-tragic-accident.html
yes it is sad, if you laughed you're going to hell, even though everyone laughed a little inside.
Traps
Traps can be any shape or size, age or color. But they're still traps. don't worry about them when you can't avoid them, because sometimes traps are a lot of fun.
not another teen wedding
sometimes i feel like one of those horrible movie series' that never end and keep having to come up with really stupid cheezy new titles for all of their stupid shit movies they keep coming out with. but i guess i'm not cause i can't make a few million in one night. There's a your mom joke there for the taking, if anyone gives a shmuck. I wish that i could sleep more, but everytime i close my eyes i think of something twisted and horrible, usually only horrible because of my role in it, like wanting to find the person/people who broke into my house and slowly twist every one of their fingers off, simply because they screwed up my room and took a couple thousand dollers worth of old computers. Is that really wrong, or just kinda wrong. Can it fall under the blanket of revenge, and getting back at someone who has made my home no longer feel like my home, or is it just me being a sadistic fuck. I can't even tell anymore which side of me is which, they both just blend together until i'm afraid that if something big happens i'll lose more than i bargained for, I.E. ipod. But what does it really matter? i've often asked myself, if one of my friends needed something from me, beyond anything they've ever needed, and i had to sacrifice my own freedom to give it to them, would i do it? Even I'm not so pigheaded to say yes in my head, although i wished that i would, because that would make me more of the man that i wish i was when i'm drunk enough to not worry about who i am. It's bad that i wish i was that drunk in the middle of the day, dealing with a teacher who never sees me for how hard i work, and only sees me for what clothes i wear. I wish that life was so easy that the women i'm attracted to knew it, and the ones who i am in love with but don't know it yet could show up when i need them most, and I could fight the people who make problems for me, until everything is just a simple dilemma of which guy to beat up, or which girl to fuck tonight, and always knowing that my wife loves me at home, and will always be waiting with a hot dinner and a warm pie afterwards, to share with a son or two, a few daughters, my brother and a couple nephews and neices. living up in the cold windy trees, where the only problems that find me are the ones who can hike. That would be perfect.
16.11.08
homecoming
this weekend was relaxing until sunday. Couple small dents in my beautiful cold grey windy days. My mom called and all she cared about was my work, but that's ok, i've gotten used to that. Then i get to come home and find that the house got broken into, my dad's pretty pissed, but i really couldn't give a fuck. whoever it was took a couple really old computers, so it's not like we lost anything of value, i'm pissed off that i wasn't home, i wish i had been. They tore up my room a bit, dumping all my clothes onto my floor, but i realized that i really don't have very much of value aside from my computer, which was with me, and my ipod, which is never leaving my sight again. Police showed up and milled around, completely useless. Now i'm going to be up all night working cause they were here mad long talking and calling people. I'm just pissed off. It was a nice weekend though, so beautiful upstate it hurt, both being there and leaving. It's odd to say that it was painful to be there. but it's my favorite kind of weather, cold and windy, grey and beautiful. I wish that i was like that, but i guess i'm just a self-centered cynic and emotional recluse. That kind of weather that makes you sad, and makes you glad you have someone to curl up with, or sorry that you don't, sory that you don't let people deep enough into your life, or they end up getting hurt. I'm sorry that i can't stand it enought to let people get hurt because of me, but i can't, not if i care enough about them to let them really know me. So it's a viscious cycle, and there's no real way to avoid it. I'm going to start writing more here, it's soothing.
12.11.08
11.11.08
yesterday was an eternity ago
so yesterday i lost my ipod. i did not have a chance to put my music back on my computer since it crashed. I no longer have any music. Not in the sense that i do not like music anymore, but i don't have MY music. I'm completely empty. a hard shell. My music was me, it changed, grew, shrunk, was violent, or sad, always with more than what was apparent. everything inside of me that could be described.
4.11.08
he won
i can't believe it. I'm so happy. he won. really. we have the right president for the first time in so long. America rules.
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