it's a trap,
Doesn't matter what i do or say, I end up pushing everyone away, I wonder when all the girls who've said "it's not you, it's me" as a way of letting me know it really IS me, when will they all get together and talk about it, and say, oh i remember him, he was the one who led me on, or he was the one who i thought really liked me, or he was the one who was good in bed but i'd never want to date him, or he was the one who you couldn't trust, or he was the one who would make a bad father, or he was the one who i liked but he couldn't settle down, or he was the one....is that all i'm ever going to be? never really having an impact on anyone's life except being one of their flames from way back when, the one that you barely remember. I've had a few, and i don't want to become one to all of my closest friends, even though that seems to be what happens. I guess i can help it by running away myslf so they don't have to run from me, but i've never been much of a runner. I'm not trying to guilt trip you, or make you feel bad or anything. I'm just tired of climbing mountains and finally getting to the top, only to find another one in my way. I get tired of never ending uphills, like that twisted staircase image. When everything works out for a while, when everything goes my way, i start looking for the problem. Sometimes i see it ahead of time, but most of the time i don't expect it at all. Therapists suspect that i somehow sabatoge myself whenever my life becomes too good. i guess that's probably it. although my therapist got sick a little while ago, so i haven't been able to see him for a long time. That's my self-deprecating rant for the while, it doesn't matter how i feel as long as my life is good right? So i'll just ignore it and make sure everyone else knows that my life is still just as perfect. 2 more days, thursday, friday, than saturday is a really big day, ivy's and mara's arrival in the same day, it'll be exciting. So i'll keep busy, specially cause i have to get enough sleep so that i can wrestle at my top, which means a lot of sleeping pills, and maybe actually doing work, we'll see. If i can just last out this last piece i should be set. 2 more weeks and i'm done w/ wrestling, although it'll be a little different now if i'm not talking to one of the people i thought i would be, but i'll still have a lot more time to do what i want, it'll be nice, but i'll miss daily practaces and all that. Today was my last home meet ever at dalton, and it was kinda pitiful, a lot of forfeits and then a couple pins and all, i got a fish, which was not too much fun, just a quick pin. Strange to think about things like that. We won, clinching 3rd in the ivy league i believe, and on friday we'll have to beat martin luther to take 1st in the PSAAs, that would be cool, but our team is pretty much all sick, which means it'll be hard to take that, if we do it'll also be our 10th win this season, whcih would be really good. Catch you around.
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