is it bad?

to want to be special? not extraordinary, simply to stand out in someone's, anyone's head.
i hope not.
because then i'm bad.

am I normal

It is a book, about sex. But really the question is an interesting one. One of my friends posted a quote where it was like "we all try to work our way back to normal" or something like that. I don't. Normal is where i don't want to be, not that i strive to be strange or weird or anything, but normal is something i dread. I don't want to fade into the cotton background of a plain shirt, to be another face in the crowd to the people who i care about. To be recognized and dismissed and labelled and returned to my shelf in someone's mind. I want to jump and dance, sing and cry inside their eyes, until the know me, not as a friend or a lover or a son or a father, not as a person or a human or a monkey, but as the only and ever one of me, a tigger if you will, because there is only me, and there is only this, and afterwards there will be no me, and no this, so i want to be known.

wrestling

so it's the first day that i've really had an opportunity to write, and i have to say that i've been thinking about writting a little bit, not a lot, but enough to propel myself at 4 in the morning to type up a little something. I went to a 7 day intensive wrestling camp. It was a psychotic amount of work, having 3 hard workout sessions a day with a morning run as well. What i feel was the culmination of the trip was when we ran an entire stadium, 2850 steps, every single stair. What penny said i think holds true, that there is something inside of me that has been effecting everything in which i live and to which i compare. I think that this wrestling camp has taught me something else, that there is nothing that is trully beyond my mental power to control within me. That's a very complicated statement, and probably obtuse to anyone who isn't in my head. When you push yourself so far beyond your physical limits, and continue to function at 110% of your normal capacity, simply because you force yourself to, you learn something, i know i did. I learned that my own life is really up to me, american beauty anyone? and that when i come across something that seems impossible, it is simply because I'm looking at it from a unique point of view, and that it may be possible from another. The experience of running up a set of 110 stairs, the first set, and having my legs be really tired after the first set alone, and knowing that i had about 30 more to go was something that stayed with me, along with the knowledge of having to finish. So wrestling has given me pride, in myself, and the need to prove myself, not in a physical or mental or emotional way, but to myself. If i do not succeed in my own eyes, then i cannot succeed in anything, that is at the heart of what i think has been troubling me recently, and i have been much more at ease in my own skin the past couple days, it has been wonderful.

bloggin'

I may not be able to keep up with the blog for the next week, i don't know if i'll have any chance to get to internets or anythang like that. I DO know that i have no scheduled free time, but i do have long lunch and dinner breaks (so we can digest our food before wrestling and running again) so i may be able to do something there.

Much love,
Rajkat

visiting

I'm so sick of her always showing up whenever things seem to start being ok with some problem. She manages to pull things up from a while ago and throw them into light again, seemingly without any purpose beyond being pissed off. Right now i'm in Penn State, so i can't talk too much, but she just popped up again, and it seems like she cannot coexist with me peacefully. I don't understand why it has to be so difficult. It's probably my fault and i don't even realize it, but i cannot see how that would work. I visited lehigh today also, it really excited me, and i officially have lengthened my list to 3 schools that i'm very seriously considering as top choices:
Renssilaer Polytechnic Institute
Drexel
Lehigh
I like each of them for completely different reasons, which is making it very difficult to figure out which one i would pick as a top choice if i was forced to. I like the feeling i'm getting from Penn State at university too, although i will spend the next week sweating and dieing here, i think i may end up putting it on that list to as the big school that i would apply to. So far Lehigh would be the hardest to get into, seeing as they accept a higher level of academic work, and fewer students, but i don't think any of them is beyond me. I need to go get some sleep though, tomorrow is gonna be a huge day. I hope Julia doesn't bother me in my dreams like she has before, it's always torture.

crazy ass bitch

my dad is driving me crazy. i don't understand him at all anymore. He constantly wants me to be working, even though it's finally summer and i actually shouldn't have any work to do. But that's not good enough for him, he needs to see me WORKING or else i'm obviously not on top of things. Then when i try to spend as much time away from home as possible, sleeping at friends' houses, going out for every meal, etc. he makes me come home so he can see me, saying that i'm avoiding him and everything, which is true. The bitch of the matter is that i want to get away from him now, because for most of the summer i'm going to be stuck right next to him, and even though i'll be doing fun stuff, it's gonna be painful. I was hoping to get away from him as much as possible this week, before i go off to camp and lose my mind in physical pain, but i guess it's not to be. At least i can talk and communicate and exist around my mom, but with my dad it just seems that everything each of us does just gets to the other until we have to have another "discussion" about my problems. I'm just tired of always fucking dealing with him, and the fact that he doesn't care what i do as long as i'm not doing what he thinks i should be doing even if it's unreasonable. I don't understand why he has to be irritable with me. Why his expectations have priority over mine i don't get, and why his way is better, and the only way he can accept. like what the fuck? anyway, i just wanted to get that shit off my chest. i think i'm gonna start typing up shit e'rey day. just to keep on this shizz.

bridge to teribithia

I DLed this movie, not knowing what i was getting into. It really touched my heart. The story is original, based off a book that i have not but should read. Both of the main characters are darling, guy and girl, but there's something geniune that really resonated with me. Something about running away from your life into another world where you create magic and creatures that, although not all good, you can truly BE with. the story is also brilliant (spoiler alert); when the girl dies i was really sad, and i kept hoping that maybe she would show up, seeing as she had fallen in the river, maybe the other world was real in some respect and would save her, as the guy was saved by the friendly giant aka tree. But then it just ended with the introduction of the sister and the world opening up in front of them, which made me melencholy, because she was actually dead, but the world kept on going, like in real life. So that's why i think it was an incredible movie, from both the acting and the plot aspect of it.